Magic Pants

Posted: June 8, 2013 in humor, Life
Tags: , , , , , , ,

A couple of days ago, magic came alive, right there in my apartment.

After my daily shower and shave ritual, I made a trip to the main bedroom (it’s a one-bedroom apartment), there to peruse my wardrobe choices.  As is my wont, the decision came down to the usual: a pair of jeans that were hanging right where I left them, puddled on the floor.

Only this time “puddle” was a little too literal:  the jeans were soaking wet.  And it was time for me to leave for work.


I held them up and stared at them in disbelief.  They weren’t dripping, but they were heavy with moisture.

I looked down at the floor, which appeared to be bone-dry.  Then back at the jeans.  Then, the floor.

I blinked, as a dozen possibilities flitted across my early morning brain, wayward moths struggling to find the nearest candle of logic.

Years ago, I learned that my brother-in-law, in a stupid state of drunkenness got out of bed and used his TV set as a urinal.

I sniffed the pants.  No untoward smells.  And besides:  I hadn’t had anything to drink the night before.   The visual I had, of getting out of bed and taking a whizz on just those pants, stayed with me.

I sniffed them again, just in case.  Then I hung them on the shower rod and sniffed them again (about three times I think).  And then I washed my hands, because ew.

Back to the bedroom.  I moved a few things around to see if I could see what else was wet.

Nothing.  Everything was dry.

Could this be one of those things, like spontaneous combustion, where someone is burnt to a crisp, while everything around him is unharmed?   Only the opposite, with water?  Could my jeans have become spontaneously drowned?

I remember repeating “holy shit” and “that’s so weird!” to myself, several times over and over, as I picked out another pair of jeans (along with shirt, etc.) and headed out the door to work.

Maybe it was a spiritual thing, and an evil ghost came into my apartment and just did that one thing, just to mess me up.  If so, it worked.

Occam’s razor said “what are you?  An idiot?”

My brain puzzled it out for the entire day.  I decided some more sleuthing was needed.

After getting home, I started pulling everything apart:  I dragged the dresser out and checked behind it:  no water at all.  Curiouser and curiouser.

It wasn’t until I checked a cardboard box and saw that its underside was damp that I finally realized, with relief, that my pants weren’t magic at all.   Why my brain didn’t immediately go to that explanation in the first place (Occam’s razor again) eludes me.

I mean, I still didn’t have an explanation for it:  I didn’t spill any water in the room – since I don’t generally bring water of any kind in there anyway.   When I told the superintendent about it, he suggested that maybe there was a leak from the central air conditioning ducts – but that’s at the other side of the room.

It was he who suggested I pull stuff out from my closet.  And oh man – was that ever a mess.  I’ve been meaning to declutter my apartment for a while now – pulling all of that stuff from the floor of my closet out was the kick in the head I needed to get started on that right away.  There were bags of documents in there, wayward shirts that hadn’t seen the light of day in some time (which wouldn’t be worn anytime soon – until they’d paid a visit to the dry cleaners at least), and all kinds of sundry odds and ends.  Sure enough:  some of the bottom stuff had gotten wet as well.

The super decided that someone’s bathtub was leaking.  After some investigation he found that my upstairs neighbour’s tub had a loose soap fixture, and so with every shower, some water made its way down to my closet.

Mystery solved.

I’m a little worried about my sanity however.

  1. Momma Fargo says:

    Great story! Had me hooked to the end. Glad your ceiling didn’t fall in.


    • wolfshades says:

      Oh God. I hadn’t thought of that. Well I suppose if I hear a big bang in the middle of the night, I can at least rule out demons anyway. “Oh it’s just the upstairs bathtub caving into my closet. Go back to sleep.”


  2. I hope the superintendent wasn’t covering up a bigger problem.

    I once lived in an apartment where there wasn’t proper caulking between the toilet (bathtub, etc.) and the floor even though I had brought it to the landlord’s attention. Then one day the toilet broke. Whatever it was that makes the water stop flowing into the bowl stopped working properly, and so it would overflow for a short while after every flush until the landlord sent someone to fix it.

    The day after the toilet was fixed, my downstairs neighbor came up to ask if I knew why water had been dripping from her ceiling…


    • wolfshades says:

      Man that’s all I need. *sigh* I’m not feeling too positive about this place right now and the rent went up (too damned high), so perhaps it’s time to hunt for a new place.


  3. Temy Beal says:

    Excellent write, lol.


  4. Karen Milliorn says:

    Water magic is very common. Here in the arid Southwest, roof-mounted “swamp coolers” (such a picturesque name for plain evaporative a/c units) are a common means of cooling homes. They are, however, prone to problems like overflowing, so that localized flooding indoors or just movie-effect rain outside your window are not terribly uncommon. By the age of 6, my younger son had experienced both. As some kids do, he was a deep sleeper & occasionally wet the bed, but one morning when I went to wake him & found his bed wet, he was ready with a most creative explanation: He told me that it had rained! Now, there was only a slight problem with his explanation of the wet bed–he was sleeping in the LOWER bunk! His brother in the upper bunk was completely dry! We did give him an “E for effort” (after we stopped laughing–out of his earshot, of course, because he’s the kid who had NO sense of humor; we were certain he was going to grow up to be an IRS lawyer, given that & his sense of literality). Fortunately, he did eventually grow a sense of humor & never went to law school or to work for the IRS!


    • wolfshades says:

      That’s hilarious! And how lucky for you and Mark that he never went the IRS direction. : ) My sister-in-law suspected that my son was lying one time but had no proof. I forget what the offence was, but she looked at him and said “you know how I can tell that you’re lying?” He shook his head. “Because every time you lie, smoke comes out of your ears”. When he heard that, he clapped his hands against his head. to prevent the smoke from escaping. : )


      • Karen Milliorn says:

        It’s always odd that people always caution you how much work, worry, & responsibility kids are, but forget to tell you how flat-out funny they can be, as well!


  5. This reminded me of the time my upstairs neighbor took a shower and all her bath water came up in my bathtub and bubbled out around the base of the toilet. I was totally grossed out. It seems that another neighbor was flushing whole monthly pads and they clogged the drain outside. I was so sickened by the experience that I moved as soon as I could find another place, which was a duplex and NO upstairs neighbor!!! I’m sure you got that yucky feeling too.


    • wolfshades says:

      Yeah I kind of do. Add to that the fact that my rent just went up – waaaaay up, and I can’t justify the expense, plus the fact that it’s hot in here right now and the central air is on the fritz…makes it seem like it’s probably time to move.


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