Things you think about when bored

Posted: April 13, 2010 in writing
Tags: ,


The man smiled at the brunette, raising one eyebrow above his black sunglasses.  He pulled his arm from her shoulder and reached into his jacket pocket, to pull out the world’s largest stogie.  He clipped it, wet it and plunged it into his mouth.

He managed to mouth out “darlin’, light me, would you?”

The blonde on the other side of him was quicker.  She flicked her lighter at the end of the cigar.  Soon, a pungent smell enveloped the room.

The clean-cut man at the other side of the room covered his nose.   “Do you really have to smoke that?”

He looked at him, smiling around his cigar.  “Why?”  He wiped some non-existent dust from his jacket.  “Does it offend your sensibilities?”

Jack grimaced.  “I’m just worried about your health.  Wouldn’t want to see you choke to death.”

The man with the receding hairline took out  his cigar, laughing and ultimately choking.  Wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve he said  “don’t worry about me.  If I were you, I’d be more concerned about your, ah, state of health Jack.”  Grinning, he placed the stogie back in place.

Jack looked at him.  “What do you mean?”

The man snickered.  “Well, my boys are kind of anxious to try out their new toys.”

Jack looked at the ugly thugs scattered around the bar, who in turn were all looking at him, bored stares on their faces.  Two of them were playing with their Glock 18 machine gun pistols.

“Besides” added the man.  “You’ve been up for what, twenty-three hours now, running around the city, right?”


“So are you Superman or something?  You’re bleeding from the gut and – here’s what really gets me – you haven’t been to the washroom even once.”

Jack’s face turned red.  He was right.  He hadn’t even thought about it, and now that he had, it was *all* he could think about.

“What’s the matter Jack?  Do you have to be somewhere?”   The man grinned and looked around at his men expectantly.  The men all gave half-hearted snickers in response.


“Oh go ahead Jack.  It’s right back there at the other end of the room.  It’s the one with the picture of the little sheep with the tophat.  Honest to God, I don’t know who thinks up this shit for the can.”  He looked at the thug next to him. “Really Rocky – why not MEN?”   Rocky shook his head.   The man pulled out a gun and shot him.   He spat on him, then looked around.  “The next time I ask you assholes a question, I kind of expect an answer.  You know?”  He looked at the next thug, who stood straight.

“Got it, boss”

“Good. ”  He looked over at Jack.  “You still here?  Go ahead.  I won’t shoot you.”  He looked at yet another thug, who was racking some balls at the pool table.  “Pete – you go with him.”

Pete put the rack down and answered “Ok boss.”

As soon as they were in the washroom, Jack turned around and pretended to nod at someone behind Pete.  Pete whipped around, and Jack stepped up and grabbed him in a sleeper hold.  Pete struggled briefly, while Jack lowered him gently to the floor.

After grabbing the thug’s gun he walked over to the small window, opened it and took his penlight out and flicked it twice, signalling the Task Force to breach the premises.

Ten seconds later the three doors to the bar burst open, and shots flew back and forth across the bar. 




Jack walked out of the washroom, scanning the room with his gun.

He walked over to the man, who was bleeding from the mouth, struggling to breathe.   He crouched down,  grabbed his head with both hands and shouted at him.  “WHERE IS IT?  WHERE??”

The man gurgled “my….back..pock..”  And with that he slumped down.

Jack felt for his pulse.  Nothing.  So he flipped him over and grabbed the iPhone from his back pocket.  “Fucker.”

The chief of police walked up to him.  “Geeze, you’re a hard ass, Jack.”  The chief stared at all of the dead bodies, then looked back at Jack.  “What was on it anyway?  Some national secret or something?”

Jack pocketed the iPhone.  “It had my Celine Dion collection.”


  1. Just Me says:


    That was AWESOME! Remind me not to steal your iPhone, hahaha.


  2. Just Kate says:

    That, my friend, was a perfect example of how to effectively use the “F” word! =D Perfect timing! I could talk about the brilliant juxtaposition of the Old West and the iPhone, the improbability of Celine Dion, lol, but I won’t. Loved it!


    • Celine Dion is so improbable that we tend to gloss over her when talking about Canadian-born musical talent. And we’re heartfully sorry for having inflicted her on your delicate American sensibilities.

      Unless you like her of course, in which case we take full credit, and you’re welcome.

      The idea that Jack Bauer would have her on his iPhone was too great an impossibility to miss. Glad you liked it. :)


      • Just Kate says:

        No, really, Celine Dion is YOUR national treasure. No need to share her. Full credit where credit is due and all of that. Shine on, Canada, SHINE ON! ;P

        I didn’t picture Jack Bauer. I pictured something more like Jack Nicholson in a Goin’ South. Never mind. Either way it works.


        • I just sent you a big-ass message, and in it is described what was *really* going on here. You’ll see. :)

          And no – I insist that you enjoy our national treasure for as long as possible, or even longer. She can really belt out those notes, can’t she? *sighs* You’ve had a downturn in your economy. You *deserve* to have her sing for you.

          It’s the least we in Canada can do for you.


          • Just Kate says:

            AH HA! Am I good or what?! Let’s take a moment to honor me, shall we? :)

            As for Celine Dion, I must FIRMLY insist that you be a bit selfish this time. No really. I insist.

            Do you really watch 24?! If so, are you SURE you’re a Canadian? Jack tortures terrorists; you know that, right?


            • Listen, Celine is not allowed across our border. Period. You took her in good faith and in return we’re giving you our spent nuclear fuel rods. Fair trade. Done deal. Sorry. Not trade-backs. Stampsies.

              Yes, I watch 24. Jack tortures terrorists?

              *yawn* What’s your point?


  3. All I have to say is that you Canadians and the Aussies have taken over our entertainment business…Didn’t Robert Goulet come from up there? 8)

    I must say that Peter Jennings was my all-time favorite news anchor.


  4. Whoops, I forgot to say that I really enjoyed your post!


  5. suzrocks says:

    Man did this play out nicely in my mind as I read it. I love a good fiction short. This stands alone brilliantly, or if you wanted you could go further … backward, forward or any direction. Awesome set up no matter how you slice it. It had all the necessary elements in a brief tale. This is what I’m passionate about. This kind of writing right here, my friend. Bravo indeed!!!!


    • Thanks Susan. Honestly – I’m probably being immodest here but….I’m a little surprised at how it turned out too. I like it when stories write themselves as this one seems to have done. I had the setup all done and then thought: wait. What’s he after?

      So glad you liked it.


  6. wordofabe says:

    I imagine that if Celine Dion was on my iPod I would be shooting people, too! Great write, Wolf!


  7. Nice way to get your music.

    michael j


  8. Randy says:

    You have more talent in your little finger than I have in my whole body … juxtapositioning Jack Bauer and Celine Dion. Brilliant!

    Donald Sutherland would be very proud of you


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