Posted: April 15, 2010 in humor, Life
Tags: ,

I swear to God – Mom brought us up properly.

We learned to say “please” and “thank you” and how to keep silent when People Who Mattered were speaking.  (“Shh.  People Are Talking”)

I don’t blame her.  There were six of us kids, after all.

We learned to be Super Canadians:  polite to a fault, and always wary of the accidental social infraction.

I remember slamming my hand between the door frame of a car, and the door itself.  I remember yelling the word most appropriate for such an occasion (shit) and I remember Mom berating me most furiously.  I remember hanging my head in shame.  With my hand still trapped in the door.

Mom was a hard ass.

I don’t know when my social skills started going sour, or what precipitated it.  I just knew that I was starting to have fun.

Fun is addictive.  The more you have, the more you want.

As you know, I’m not a fan of The Beast.  That’s old news.   But, um, well people at work don’t know this, nor do they know my history with him.

Some of it peeks through though sometimes, and I can’t help it – it’s fun to see the look of shock on some of their faces when it does.

Take last week for example.

Someone complimented me on my good looks.  I never know how to handle this (and I’m not convinced that I’m all that hot, and no, that’s not an invitation to correct me with more compliments).  I usually respond with “well thanks”.  Or I’ll say “I know.  I’m AWESOME, aren’t I?”.

Last week we were talking about heredity and my haircutter guy said “you look good.”   I said “I know.  I think I got it from my Dad.  He was good-looking- ” and I swear I was going to say “all of his life” but for some reason it came out “he was good looking for a long time.  He’s not looking so good now though.  On account of he’s dead.”

The barber didn’t want to grin, but he couldn’t help himself.

It’s funny, watching hilarity and guilt fight for facial dominance.

I’ve used my worm-eaten dad on other occasions too.   Like the time when a group of girls at the office were talking about a funny story.   I popped by near the end of the story and added “I know what my dad would say about that.  Well, he wouldn’t say anything today though.  Other than ‘MMMPH MMPH'”)   This time there was just shock as they glanced at each other.

I loved it.

They asked me to be the M.C. for a large tech workers conference a few years ago.   I had to make an opening statement, for about five minutes, before introducing the first speaker.  Probably not the best idea on their part.   I did a lot of thinking about it before hand.  And some ideas occurred that just seemed wrong.  Unfortunately, I had gotten used to doing improvisational comedy and the first thing you learn there is to never say “no” to an idea.  Saying “no” to some of the ideas I had for this opening statement just seemed to go against the grain, and I wanted to go with my own flow.   So that’s what happened.

I can’t recall everything I said, but I do know I started it off with something like this:

“So I was sitting at my kitchen table last week, masticating furiously on my sandwich”.    I looked at someone in the audience and said “that means ‘chewing’.   Why?  What did you think it meant?”

And I said a bunch of other stuff, and then finished with something that went like this:

“You know, when you have a client who is simply too demanding, and she says wants an answer to her computer problem NOW, and that she has waited for like fifteen days for someone to respond and she’s had this happen a zillion times before and she wants to know what’s wrong, and why can’t you fix it once and for all and what’s wrong with you anyway?  You know who I’m talking about, right?  And you know that sometimes you just don’t have an answer because you haven’t investigated yet, but she wants an answer now.  You know what you should do, right?

“You should employ the MBP solution.

“Here’s how it works:  you can tell her that there’s something wrong with the server’s Phase Converter Array (and then you look at her closely to make sure she’s not familiar with the Back to the Future reference and if you’re satisfied you continue on).  You tell her that there’s a weight problem that affects the array and that it comes from emails and Word documents that use too many full colons.  You then tell her that she should avoid the use of colons in her writing altogether, and that if she feels she really needs to use one, she should use a semi-colon instead, as the weight will only be half that of a full colon.  And you do this with a straight face and you wait for her to nod knowingly.

“And that, my friends is the successful application of the MBP solution.”

“Oh, and what does MPB stand for?  I’m glad you asked.  Your solution is strong, right?  What you might even say ‘mighty’.   And it’s big too.  The bigger the lie, the more believable it will be.  So that’s the ‘B”.  So ‘M’ is for ‘Mighty’ and ‘B’ is for ‘Big”.”

I looked around the room.  “But really, what we’ve offered her is just a bunch of crap, right?

“So the ‘P’ is for ‘Poop'”.

There was a lot of shocked laughter.  One of the directors came up to me afterward and said (while grinning) “so and so wasn’t too happy with your choice of illustrations.  She thought it was inappropriate”.   (So and so was a highly placed and very proper executive)

For some strange reason, this made me happy, and it just reinforced my desire to be as fucking inappropriate as possible whenever the occasion presented itself.

Also I find myself relating well to others who’ve discovered the beauty of inappropriateness.  It’s possible to be inappropriate without being a dick, though it’s a fine line for some.

Check out some of the blog writers to the right of this blog, on the blogroll lists.   Some of the most inappropriate and funny people I know.

  1. suzrocks says:

    Cracking up at this… and loving it. My humor is rather similar, so I can appreciate it. Fortunately, I came from a long line of sarcastic wit, so I’m blessed that way… lol. But, we were raised to be polite and I’m glad that did stick… except I do forget please and thank you among my closest friends and family, the times when I should remember most… ugh. When I was 5 or 6ish, I closed my foot in a door of an old 50-something buick. OMG! It was horrible. I may have cursed. I don’t know. Shit was a popular word at our house. LOL


  2. Just Me says:

    Now that is a presentation I would have enjoyed sitting through. I doubt I would have slept or left early or anything, ha. Oh, and I find myself in that barbers situation constantly, smirking or just plain laughing at things that I’m sure I’m not supposed to. Sometimes you just can’t help it no matter how hard you fight it.

    You’re obviously not talking about me with that last line because I’m neither funny nor inappropriate! I have to go now, I’ve gotta go clean my friends fish tank with his toothbrush before he gets back from vacation.


  3. wordofabe says:

    So…how many times did you get asked to MC the meetings after that?

    I once accidentaly attended an open forum in support of tolerance on a university campus. Actually, I can’t really remember what the forum was about because a nice young lesbian decided to take her shirt off and bare her breasts to illustrate a point. I don’t think her plan worked. All I can remember is staring at her boobies, along with all of the men who had just been speaking about not objectifying women. But…boobies!

    Was that innappropriate? I don’t know…it sure livened up whatever that forum was! Perhaps I should have a boobie forum. Wait. That was very innapropriate and I am sorry.


    • Don’t kid a kidder, Abe. You’re not in the least bit sorry.

      You know – this is hilarious. Political correctness butts heads up against science and human nature. Whip out a pair of boobs and whatever discussion point you were trying to make gets instantly lost. Amazing.

      And no, I haven’t been asked ever again to be an MC at one of their meetings. I’m disappointed.


  4. Loree says:

    Okay, I’ve been quietly reading in my email box for two weeks now and too damn lazy to click the link.

    However, today I just had to go out of my way to thank you for MBP.


  5. Just Kate says:

    Potty mouth. (!)


  6. Randy says:

    I am SO far behind in reading your Blog! I’ll get caught up, I promise. :)

    Stop losing things ….


  7. Nadia Chyme says:

    Uhm Wolfie. I’m ready to see this gorgeous mug of yours please. Thank you. Hmmm…


  8. Randy says:

    I’m an expert at inappropriate

    Ummmmm … how do I get a picture/design of my choice to come up beside my name when I post anywhere? It’s probably easy to do, but I can’t figure it out. Thanks!


  9. contoveros says:

    Inappropriate is, as inappropriate does. How would one know where the envelope ends unless you push it every now and then.

    I call it living on the edge, where you find some of the best things in life. You’re the only one that understands it at times.

    michael j


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