Posts Tagged ‘Monday’

Rocky Romances

Posted: August 19, 2011 in dating, humor, Life
Tags: , , , , , ,

Look, Monday.  You can’t keep showing up on my doorstep.  Every time you do, you say the same thing.

“We can make it work.” And, “I promise you, this time I won’t mess you up.  I’ll set the alarm this time.  Make you some coffee.”

Every time, I let you in, and every time – every SINGLE time – I end up regretting it.  The alarm doesn’t go off.  Coffee isn’t there, I’m late for work and I end up in a bad mood.   When you’re around, things always seem to go wrong.  My boss decides he wants that three-day job done right now.  Then he only gives me four hours to do it.  And then, what’s worse is – he looks at you.  And then he smiles.   The bastard.   You’ve been seeing him behind my back, haven’t you?  Come on.  I even saw you holding hands with him.

No more.  Monday I don’t want you around here.  Don’t call, don’t show up, don’t send emails to me.  Nothing.  I don’t want your promises.  They mean nothing.   In fact, I’m going to put a restraining order on you.  Do you hear me?

Are you even listening?

Dear Tuesday,

Honey I’m glad you came into my life.  But I have something to tell you, as gently as I can.  You’re not for me.  No, no, there’s nothing wrong with you.  You’re great, really.  And no, you’re nothing like Monday.   You’re far more gentle.  Far more forgiving.  You’re good-natured.  It kills me to have to break up with you, but really, it’s not fair to you that we keep seeing each other.

No, I’m not seeing anyone else right now.  It’s just that….well….you caught my eye on the rebound, after the horror of being with Monday.   Sometimes that happens.

I know.  It’s shitty, and I’m sorry.  I have to go on though.   So should you.  Find someone more worthy of you than me.   Can we be friends?

Hi Wednesday.

You know, I don’t know what we saw in each other.  Do you?  No, I didn’t think so.  I guess I should have known it wouldn’t work when I first heard the ringer on your Blackberry.   I thought you knew that I hate Nickleback.   But isn’t it great we can end this now, mutually, without either of us feeling messed up?   Oh, you’ve gotta go?  Sure, sure.  I understand.  That Blackberry isn’t going to answer itself, is it?  See you around.

Well well well.  Thursday, you sure do have beautiful legs, don’t you?   Man, you put me in a good mood.  How about we take a little drive?  Go somewhere?  In fact I…

*gulp*  Oh.  My. God.   And what’s your name, gorgeous?   Friday?

(Uh, Thursday?  Listen, I’ll give you a call sometime OK?  Gotta go.  Something just came up)

Sorry Friday.  What was that?  You want to go bungee jumping?  Well I’ve never tried it, but..OK!  Let’s do it.   Man, you’re wild.  What’s that?  You want to get a tattoo?   I don’t believe in…I mean, sure.  Let’s go get one.   What’s mine say?   It’s Japanese for “Monday’s a bitch”.   Who’s Monday?  That’s a long story.

So, what did you get for a tattoo?  Oh it’s your new name?   When did you decide that?  Just now?  Wow.  You’re a little unbelievable.  Can’t believe anyone moves as fast as you. So anyway,  what’s your new name?  Saturday?  Cool!  That’s great!  It kind of fits you, you know?  I look at you with your long brown hair, and your mischievous eyes and…there’s no better name for you than Saturday.

Ok how many drinks have we had so far?  You lost count too?   Hahahaha.  No, I don’t care.   We can still dance.   Wow you feel so good in my arms. Man, I like you.  In fact…I probably shouldn’t say this so soon but…what the heck?  We can blame it on the fact that I’m drunk, so I’ll just say it.  I think I’m falling in love with you.

Hang on.  I’d better sit down for a minute.  My head’s spinning….

What?  You what?  I can’t hear you over the music.   Why don’t we go outside for some fresh air?  *coughs*  Wow, that’s some strong-smelling weed.  No, but thanks – I’ll pass.  I’ve had too much to drink, and that stuff will just mess me up.

*blinks*

You want to what?   I thought we had a good thing going.   Don’t give me the “it’s not you, it’s me” thing.  What’s going on?   We’ve only been together for 40 hours, non-stop, and you’re already seeing someone?   Shit.  I can’t believe it.  I mean i knew you were wild but…….

Fine.  I’ll see you later.   No, we can’t be friends.  I don’t want to be “just friends”.  Not with you.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me.   Never mind.  I’ll get over you.  Somehow.  Not sure how.    Hey, can you give me back my jacket?   I know you’re cold.  Maybe your new boyfriend can give you his.  He’s not here?  Well give him a call.  Oh all right.   I’ll give you a ride home.  But that’s it.  No more favours.

We’re here.  Can you manage?   Holy mother of God.  How much did you drink?  Yeah sure.  I’ll help you up to your door.  What’s that?  You have to puke?  All right.  I’ll hold your hair back.  There.  Feel better?

Ok we’re at the door.  Where’s your key?  Never mind.  You’re too drunk.  I’ll just ring the bell.  Maybe your roommate can let you in. Take you the rest of the way.

Oh hi there.  Sorry to wake you up.   Frida- I mean Saturday here had a little too much to drink tonight.  You’ll take her?  That’s great.   No, no problem.  Happy to help.  By the way – what’s your name?

Well hi Sunday.  Pleased to meet you.

Nasal Warfare

Posted: April 19, 2010 in ADHD, Life, writing
Tags: , ,

My stomach tossed and turned.  It knew the day was early but it clearly was uncomfortable, maybe even bored.  So it decided to wake me up.

*RRRR*

I glanced at the clock.   6:30.

Six-freaking-thirty.

Who the hell gets up voluntarily on a Monday morning at that awful time?

Evidently I do.

I ignored my stomach and rolled over.  Stomach protested.  Loudly. 

Sometimes it’s good to be a bachelor, what with all of that irritating rumbling going on.   This way I only annoy me.

Looked at the clock.  6:31.   Closed my eyes.

Brain woke up and started rummaging around in my head, knocking shit over and just generally being loud.  “Hey!  It’s a new day!”

I thought back.  “Fuck off, brain”

It persisted.  “But you can do so much now.  Don’t have to be to work until 9:00 so what can you do in the meantime?”

I thought “sleep”

“No no no.  You’ve got a few hours.  HEY!!” it shouted.

I opened one eye.

“What if you get your washing done?”

“What if I just shoot myself.  In the head.”

“No seriously.  It’s Monday so you know NO ONE is going to be in the laundry room.  You’ll have all of those washers and dryers to yourself.”

I rolled onto my back.  Brain had a point.

Fucking brain.

It was useless to try and get back to sleep.  Stomach and brain were both pushing and prodding at me so I got up, got my shit together and went down to the laundry room.

Having loaded the laundry, I was waiting outside the elevator to go back to my apartment when I heard a screeching sound, like metal banging on metal.  Loud.

And smelly, I realized shortly after the noise started.  I figured it out.   The garbage bin people were here, hauling out all the vomit-inducing detritus of the apartment-dwellers’ stinky cast-offs.

Ew.

Then the elevator door opened and I eagerly stepped forward to escape the stench.

Only, there was a rather large woman with a massive red beehive coming off, so I stepped back.

Good thing.    Her smell hit me harder than the garbage truck.   

Double ew.

She tottered on her stiletto heels out to the parking lot, overly large designer shades just sitting there precariously on her face.

I thought to myself  “Lady.  Spend some money.  Leave the Kmart bargain bins alone when you’re buying scent.”

I’m not stupid.  I didn’t say any of this aloud.  She had enormous fists and I have a delicate face.

And an even more delicate nose.

I’m just glad I didn’t have to work in the same office as her.  I could feel the headache coming on, just from those few moments of exposure.   The aura of “L’Eau de Backed Up Toilet” competed heavily with the garbage truck outside.   The perfume laughed in derision, pummeling the garbage truck odour into a quick submission, and finishing it with a round-house kick, right to the gonads.

The garbage truck was down.   And the people in the stands trampled each other as they left the stadium in panic.  Perfume glared around, just daring anyone else to challenge it.

Fortunately for me, just then, the elevator doors closed.