Drunk Ride Home

Posted: August 8, 2010 in Life

The well-dressed awesome-looking drunk (me) piled into the taxi cab.  It was either that or spend a half hour walking to a bus stop and perhaps waiting another 30 minutes for a bus that would take him to his home.  And that trip would be another 45 minutes.

It was all about time.

It took a little bit of time to get the seatbelt fastened.  Damn, those things are hard to manoeuvre.   Probably easier when you’re sober.  But… SHHH….let’s keep that it to ourselves, shall we?  By the way – I love you.   No, seriously.  I do.   Always did.

(Never been an angry drunk, like dear old dad.  I’m a happy loving drunk.)

(In your face, dad!   Oh, I know you don’t care, ’cause you’re dead but still…….IN YOUR FACE!!)

Seatbelt finally fastened, I opened my iPad to try reading a few more chapters of my book.  So hard to read when the damned words keep moving around…….

“So….that woman next to us is drunk”


“The woman.  Drunk.  She drunk.  And she looking for someone to be with her.”

That got my interest.  I looked over at her.  Hmmm.  Very nice looking, too.



“Maybe you should slow down. I could invite her in.”

We were both in fast moving vehicles.  Evidently, logic takes a holiday when the wolf gets plastered.

The taxi sped up, leaving the lonely girl way behind us.  I shrugged and tried to get back to my book.



“Drunk drivers.”

“Uh huh”

“Too many of them.”

“Well” I started.  “I never driver —”  I stopped and deliberately slowed down.  “I never drive drunk.  In fact,” I added “I never drive if I have even one drink.”

God I  was so proud.

“Good.  Oh look……they’re fighting”

The non sequitur totally threw me.


“Look.  They’re fighting.”

I looked.  There were two guys and a girl standing together on the corner.  They all had smiles.  Maybe I was drunker than I thought.  Didn’t see any heat there.


But he had moved on.

“Oh shit.  Did they catch me?”


“The police.”

I looked at the window and saw two cop cars sitting in an intersection.  They didn’t appear to show any interest in the taxi’s excessive speed.

“So whaddya got there?”

I looked down, realizing finally that he was referring to my iPad.

“It’s an iPad.”

“A Sony?”


“Is it a Sony?”

I stared at him, puzzled, and through bleary eyes.  “No, it’s an iPad”


So hard to follow the conversation when you’re three sheets to the wind.  Worse when the guy you’re talking with can’t list English as his first language. Or his second or third.

“Yeah” I finally replied.

“I like that.  May I see it?”

I was too….um….flexible to refuse him.  “Sure.  Here you go” and with that, I handed my dearest precious treasure to him.

He looked at it briefly, and handed it back.

“I need to get one of these.”

I nodded.  Worried that if I nodded even one more time, I’d fall asleep and it would take an army to wake me up.

“How much it cost?”


“The iPad.  What cost?”



“You know what I pay for insurance?”   Oh good.  Another non sequitur.


“My cab.  Insurance.”

“Oh.  No.  A lot I bet.”

“A lot I bet”


“Gotta cover that liability, huh?’


“Liability.  In case of lawsuits from passengers.”

“Yah.  Right.”

We drove on in silence for a while.  And then we came to my corner.

“Where you want to go?”

“Well there’s a bank machine over there.  Why don’t we go there; I’ll get some money out and then I’ll pay you and you’ll be good to go.”


And that’s what we did.

I paid him.  He drove off.  And I stumbled my way across the four-lane road and into my apartment building.

I stared blearily at the iMac screen.   Went to Facebook and wrote something stupid on someone’s wall, and then moved over here to write this.

Come the morning, I expect to be hangover-free.  That’s what happened the last time.  And now, since it took me an hour to finish this (in between the ad hoc naps), it was finally time to go to bed.  So I wrote this blog, and then I signed off and crashed.

  1. Carmen says:

    I’m just laughing: #1) that you are attached to that iPad and #2) that you took it to a bar, party or club with you. Where ever you were, there was drinking and it was a Saturday night! Ha! You are too funny!

    Now, I hope Steve Jobs is giving you some sort of commission for marketing. That would be SWEET!

    Sleep well Wolfie…. sleep well!


    • Yes, that’s sort of my routine, when there’s nothing better to do on a Saturday night: I step out to a bar, with my iPad, drink a lot of wine and read a book. And sometimes, the iPad serves as an icebreaker too.

      Steve Job *owes* me, Carmen.

      And….whaddya know? I’m finally up and….no hangover. Thank God for chardonnay! :)


  2. contoveros says:

    Oh, the pain you had to have gone through for art sake.

    Or is it the sake of art?

    Christ, I haven’t had a drink in 48 hours, and you got me messed up. Thanks a lot, Wolf.

    Just kidding. Felt bad for the persons you left on the sidelines. The woman and the persons who were smiling but fighting at the same time. Hope all was well with all . . .

    michael j


    • Either I was too drunk or the cabbie got it wrong: but I couldn’t see that they were fighting at all. Play-fighting maybe.

      Don’t know what it is, but I love Saturday nights, when anything’s possible.


  3. JustKate says:

    I love you too. ;P

    Not so much the i-Pad.


  4. JustKate says:

    This could be the end of a beautiful friendship… I’m not sure I can do it. *cries*


    • Shhh. We can work this out. Just go into your closest Apple store, and ask to play with their iPad for a few minutes. I guarantee you that love will blossom. As will your credit card bill.


  5. Just Me says:

    If you actually wrote and published this when you were drunk then there is something I have to do.

    *stands up*
    *gives a thunderous applause*

    That is some of the best drunk spelling/grammar/writing I’ve seen in quite some time. What I’m most amazed at is that you let the cab driver hold your iPad when you were drunk, and yet you still managed to get out of the cab with it. Impressive that you didn’t forget to get it back from him, or just leave it in the cab period. Bravo!


    • *I KNOW*, RIGHT?!!! :D


      I wrote this exactly as it happened, too. Just read it again and am amazed at how disjointed that whole ride was. Didn’t get into the cab thinking “maybe I’ll get a blog out of this” but by the time I got home, I realized I had one. The guy really didn’t do English well, and as we went on and on, the whole scene just got more ridiculous. Had I been sober I’d have laughed my ass off. As it was, I was just struggling hard (within the limits of my alcohol-soaked consciousness) to keep up.


  6. Abe's Blog says:

    Glad you made it home safe and still had a-hold of your i pad!


  7. redriverpak says:

    You didn’t have a moment like in the movie “The Hangover” where you discovered a naked asian man in the trunk of the cab did you? :)


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