Impaired Help Desk

Posted: August 15, 2010 in humor

The jury is out, busily arguing with each other, and ready to head into the realm of fistfights over this one.

When you’re drunk, are you better at socializing?

I’m frankly don’t know.  But it sure seems likely.

But it begins and ends at socializing.   You end up saying whatever occurs to you, as little kids do, with little to no filter.  But if, like me, you’re as charming as hell, it all works out.

I remember others for whom the drink turned out to be their nemesis.  Like the normally pleasant manager from Flint Michigan who turned into this amazing (astounding) pig once he had one or two Long Island Ice Teas into him.  He would hit on everybody, including the taxi driver, if the driver made the mistake of asking “how are you?”

Maybe, if we learned to let the filters go when sober – life would be so much simpler.

I got thinking: what if you showed up to a help desk, entirely drunk?


Caller:  “Hi.  I’ve got a little problem here.”

Help Desk (henceforth known as HD): “Ooooh.  That’s just too too bad.  Man, that’s gotta suck.  What’s the problem and how can I help you?”

Caller:  “uh… my computer won’t work.”

HD:  “it won’t?  Well that’s just not fair at all, is it?  No, not at all.”

Caller:  “……………what?”

HD:  “I hate it when the computer won’t work.  Messes up my whole day.”

Caller: “um, can you help me?”

HD:  “What?  Oh yes. Sure I can!  Only too happy to help.”

Caller:  “well?”

HD: “What?’

Caller:  “can you help me?”

HD:  “um sure.  Didn’t you just ask me that?”

Caller:  “…..”

HD:  “Hello?”

Caller: “what do I do?’

HD: “about what?”

Caller:  “my *computer*!!!  How do I fix it?”

HD: “I don’t know.  It’s a real puzzle, isn’t it?”

Caller:  “but….”

HD: “I mean, this kind of stuff happens to me all the time.  I hate it.”

Caller:  “but…you’re supposed to be able to help me.”

HD:  “……..OH………right.    Sorry.  Um…..have you wiggled the mouse?”

Caller: “What?”

HD: “I love when I wiggle the mouse.  It makes me giggle.”  *giggles*

Caller: “are you high?’

HD:  “when?”

Caller: “let me speak to your supervisor.”

HD: “Ok.  Hang on a sec.”


HD:  “Hi.  How can I help you?”

Caller:  “are you the supervisor?”

HD:  “No, he’s not here.  Sorry ’bout that.   It’s just me. PSYCH!!”

Caller:  “………….shit.”

HD:  “yeah, I know, right?”

Caller:  “Nevermind.  I’ll figure this out myself.”

HD:  “well aren’t you the coolest?   You know what?”

Caller:  “what?”

HD:  “I love you.”

Caller: “WHAT?”

HD:  “I love the world, really.  And I love computers.  And I love my job.  And I love you.”

Caller:  “I—-”

HD:  “Oh don’t worry. I’m not gay.  It’s an altruistic love.  Totally non-sexual, man.  Mine is a pure love.”

Caller:  “uh….”

HD:  “Hang on.”

*sound of retching*

HD:  “Whoa.  I’m back.  That totally came out of nowhere.  Sorry about that.  Hope you didn’t hear it”

Caller:  “did you just throw up?”

HD:  “Ohhhh.”  *giggles* “You did hear it.”

Caller:  “are you drunk?  Or high?”

HD:  “I——you know what?”

Caller:  “what?”

HD:  “I’m like, totally shit-faced, dude.”

Caller: “this is unacceptable”

HD:  “tell me about it!!  It’s all I can do not to throw up some more right now.”


HD:  “well that was easy”



I’ve made the mistake of having just one drink at lunch hour when working from home.  Totally messed with my head.  I learned my lesson:  when doing task-related activities, alcohol is surely not my friend.  But when I’m making new friends, it’s can be a truly cool social lubricant.  Also a social Ex-Lax.

Not cool.

And how was YOUR Saturday night?

  1. Abe's Blog says:

    I’m thinking this blog may have been another written under the influence. Slightly? It sure did make me laugh, though. I am certain that this phone call has been played out at some point.


    • You know when you’re talking to someone at a help desk, and there’s a message that precedes it saying “this call may be monitored for quality control purposes”? I know for a fact that there *are* monitors, and that people get fired for just this type of “quality” conversation.

      Yesterday afternoon – while not under the influence – I was thinking about what to write on the next blog, and then this one came to me. Later on in the evening – while slightly happy but not drunk – I wrote it. :)


  2. carmenlezeth says:

    You are so silly! But that was funny! hahahahahahahaha! I think being drunk makes you less inhibited, but (obviously) can make us seem like quite an idiot when socializing. Hilarious though!


    • I’m pretty sure there’s a balance there somewhere that many of us get to; a sweet spot where enough of the filters are down and we can be as charming as hell. Others of us though come to that sweet spot and then fly right past it, straight into the forest of idiocy at the bottom of the hill. :)

      I love watching when actors play drunk. The truly good ones have it down right: they don’t try the typical slurring or fumblespeak nonsense that so many of us think resembles drunkenness. Instead, they fall just *slightly* short of normal, sometimes bursting into laughter or over-emphasizing a point. Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox both played great drunks on Friends. As did David Schwimmer, actually.

      Glad you liked the blog. :)


  3. HD: “I love you.”

    Caller: “WHAT?”

    HD: “I love the world, really. And I love computers. And I love my job. And I love you.”

    You captured the lovable drunk here. All I need is two to get me to this level. Funny I haven’t asked more people to marry me when I start talking this way.

    Actually, it’s not funny. Downright frightening when you think about it the day after . . .

    But, you gotta love those moments.


    michael j


    • Good to hear that you’re the lovable drunk. So am I. I’ve met (and have grown up with) quite the opposite: the scary, angry drunk. I suppose it’s just a magnification of what’s really at the heart of a person, when you get down to it.

      I’d rather be lovable than angry. Any day. :)

      Don’t think I’ve ever told anyone I love them, while drunk though. Good thing. As you say – that could get frightening the next day. Especially if you’ve just gone out for the first time with someone. Brrr.


  4. Pinky says:

    I’m a hoot when I’m drunk, very chatty and affectionate. Unfortunately it only lasts about 10 minutes, at which point I get either sick or sleepy, so noooooo: I’m better off with caffeine in social situations.


    • The bigger question: how many does it take to get you there? Takes me about five or six, I think. But that’s over four hours so….

      Great that you’re a positive drunk. Nothing better than an upbeat drunk. They can be a lot of fun. I know I am for sure.


  5. izziedarling says:

    Hahahaha – you made me laugh out loud! Thank you! I’m quite adorable when drunk – but the headache and stomach unrest is not worth it.


    • The trick, I think, is to find the right drink. I’ve tried beer, Southern Comfort and something called a brown cow. The results: bad, worse, oh my god I’m dying – in that order.

      But when I hit white wine – specifically, chardonnay – man, that was the sweet spot. As drunk as I’ve ever gotten on that, it hasn’t done me in at all. And most times I wake up without a hangover. That’s the best part. (Well, the best part is my behaviour the night of, really)

      Really glad I made you laugh. :)


  6. Just Me says:

    That was hilarious, hmmmmmm. Maybe I should show up drunk and try to help some people through the help desk……….ummmmmm, probably wouldn’t work out that well for me though, haha.

    “Maybe, if we learned to let the filters go when sober – life would be so much simpler.”

    Now that would make things interesting. I think you’re right though, life might be simpler and quite frankly better.


    • It’s true. And for adults, no where is this better exhibited than when you join an improv comedy class. There, you *have* to let go of your normal inhibitions (while sober), and it is really an exhilarating experience.


  7. CQS says:

    This is hilarious. All you’re missing is the funny accent from what ever country this help desk has been outsourced to. Sometimes when I’ve called customer service I feel like my conversation with the person has gone something like your dialogue.


    • Don’t you hate it too, when they read from a carefully prepared script, and in the process completely ignore what you’re trying to tell them? I’m a third level techie at my workplace and this happens all the time. Annoys me to no end.

      As for our little story – I (or you, the reader) was supposed to be the helpful Help Desk drunk. I suppose everyone has an accent and I’m equally sure none of us are aware of it. *grin*


  8. gorgeouskim says:

    hi there hows it going


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