What would you say to your 16-year old self and why

Posted: August 19, 2010 in Life
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

After receiving a prompt in an email message today, I’ve elected to respond here in this blog. Please feel free to do the same.

In fact, I kind of insist on it.

Don’t make me whip out a can of thousand-yard googily stare on you.

So…what would you say to your 16-year old self?

Well, here are some things I’d say to myself at 16:


“Son, that 28-year old married babe isn’t interested in your chaste Christian friendship. Turn the lights on, boy! She’s got something else in mind. (Maybe her feeding you Southern Comfort late at night while she giggled and laughed at your jokes while making coy suggestions should have been your first clue.)”


“Dude – ride the bike, or walk and enjoy the scenery. You can’t do both. If you try, you’ll end up having an accident when you ogle that girl. Trust me, the embarrassment is worse than the pain.”


“Um – look. I know your hormones are racing and you really want to have the babes pay attention to you, but I gotta tell you: checkered pants are not the way to go. You look like a fooking dork. Gnome sayin’?”


“See a doctor about your inability to pay attention. This is treatable.”


“That girl you saw at that Christian crusade? The one you complimented? You know the one I mean. You said her dress looked pretty. Yeah. That one. Lose her phone number.”


“You’re right to be concerned about being an alcoholic, because your dad is. I can tell you that you’re not, though. Just be aware of your intake at all times and you’ll be fine. If you ever feel you need it – then stop.”


“Look, I know it’s a chintzy job at a library and it doesn’t pay all that well. Still – pretend that 10% of your pay doesn’t exist. Put it in a saving’s account. Make a habit of it.”


“There are all kinds of people who want you to think exactly the way they do. There’s peer pressure, and there’s dad pressure and there’s pulpit pressure. Don’t give into any of it. Think for yourself. Trust nothing they say until it can be tested so that you know it’s true for yourself.”


“You know how you fart around every morning and end up leaving so late that you have to run to school? Well ….the late thing? Not good. The running thing? Awesome. Keep it up and make a habit of it.”


“Remember when the math teacher was making corny jokes, so you folded up a paper airplane and you launched it at him such that it flew perfectly right at him and parted his hair? Remember how his face turned red and he laughed with the rest of the class? That was awesome. Do more stuff like that.”


“Don’t be so quick on wanting to settle down with one girl. Date as many girls as you can – just so that you can get an idea of what works and what doesn’t. You can’t know this until you’re out there.”


“Also – make a promise to yourself that you won’t get married until you’re at least twenty-five, ok?”


Finally – and this important son, so pay attention here – make sure you write down three things:

1) Microsoft 2) Apple 3) Google

Even though that last thing sounds ridiculous, it’s going to be important someday. Watch the news, and when their stock goes live, open up that piggy bank and spend like a drunken sailor – buy up as much of all three stocks as you can. Especially Apple, because at the beginning it’s going to be cheap. Very cheap. But by the time you get older, it’s going to get extremely expensive, and you’ll do well.

Trust me.



  1. carmenlezeth says:

    Obviously you’re 16 year old self was a horney little thing, huh? I guess that’s boys! But you certainly got me thinking…. (can you smell the wood burning?). The only thing I would want to tell myself is this though: “Carm, you’re going to be absolutely fine. Brilliantly in fact, so stop crying and trust yourself. Every choice you make is the right one. Stop second guessing yourself. Oh, and stop smoking right now! You’re not that into it anyways…you’ll love how you feel so much earlier if you quit right now…”

    Yup, I think that’s it. Hmmm… maybe I’ll think on it a bit more….ha!



    • All boys go crazy right around the time they hit puberty. :)

      How long did you smoke? I only tried it a few times and gave up – wasn’t doing anything for me.

      It’s true that back then, everything seems awfully huge and we often got this scene of impending doom about things. Maybe that’s just a trait of teenager years: horniness and sincere dramatic takes on the world.

      “Every choice you make is the right one”. Hmm. I’d like to hear/read more about that one.


  2. These are hilarious! And so true!


    • I really wish I’d known half this stuff back then. Would have saved myself (in some cases) years of unnecessary angst. Ah well. At least I’m not Blagojevich. I mean honestly – what the hell is wrong with his barber?


  3. Chickee says:

    oh. my. goodness. hahahahaaa This will require some thought. =)

    That 10% thingy sounds like some sweet advice.


  4. Abe's Blog says:

    Great post, Wolf! I loved those pictures, too. Excellent.


  5. deb says:

    listen…16-year-old you is something I wish I’d seen.

    …blink blink…

    advice: stay away from girls who like whiskey and who bat their eyes at you….even now.


    • The 16- year old me was an out and out geek. With long hair that was completely unruly. I don’t know. He was OK I guess. Nothing to write home about though. :)

      I’m a total sucker for girls who bat their eyes at me. Back then, and into today. It’s visceral – I have little control over it.


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