Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU ALVIN!!!”  Teacher barked in clear frustration.  “You’re acting.  Stop it!”

Teacher sat back in his chair, face all red, incensed.   “Bob, sit down.  Let me work with him.”

Bobby quickly made his way to his seat and Teacher stood up at the front of the room and faced Alvin.

“You’re acting”, said Teacher.

“I’m acting” replied Alvin.

“No.  You’re acting.”

“I’m acting” said Alvin, puzzled.

“You need to stop acting”

“I need to stop acting”

Teacher exploded.  “YOU NEED TO STOP ACTING”

Alvin mildly replied “I need to stop acting”

“GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!’  Teacher blasted the words right in his face, spittle flying.

“Get out of my head” replied Alvin, still mild.  Still controlled.

Teacher was anything but controlled.  “GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!”

This acting exercise, of repetition back and forth between the two, went on for some time.  The rest of the students watched the two, entirely rapt, tense.

Teacher was getting angrier by the moment.  His fists clenched, the veins in his neck were bulging.   Alvin remained a shining example of control.

“YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLASS”

“I need to get the fuck out of your class”

“YES I WANT YOU TO GO, NOW!!” he barked.

‘Yes you want me to go now.” Alvin replied, seemingly obvious to the dangerous rage.

“GET THE FUCK OUT ALVIN!!!”

“I….”  Alvin faltered.

One of the students jumped up, walked over to Alvin.  “Dude, the exercise is over.  You need to leave.”

Alvin finally realized the Teacher was serious.  It was apparent to everyone in the class except Alvin that he was not cut out for this work.  He was somehow blocked, and there was no way around it.  He could not express emotion, which was what the exercise was all about.  Teacher sat back down, face still red, while Alvin got his stuff together and made his way out.

I sat there, a little stunned.  My problem was similar to Alvin’s though not so acute.  I’d been able to express true emotion in this class, except for one:  anger.  Every time I tried, Teacher called me on it.  “Stop.  You’re acting.  Stop acting.  Now, try again.”

The difference between a good actor and a bad one is that the good one is telling the truth.  The bad one is lying, but trying to convince that he’s being sincere.

Truth-telling truth-tellers.

It took me a long time to realize what that means, or to find the label to something I knew to be true.

For the longest time I wondered why I was so irritated with phone calls.  Maybe I was being snobby?   That didn’t ring true.  If anything I was more accommodating than the average guy.  Or the average Canadian for that matter.  (And you KNOW Canadians are pretty damned accommodating, often bending over backward to help you out.  It’s not a wild stereotype when I say that many of us will say “sorry” when you step on our foot.)

Yet, when I received a phone call, I couldn’t wait to put the phone down.  What was that about?  It really bothered me.  Some of the people I loved and respected would call, and almost always I couldn’t wait to get off of the phone.  There have been times when I gave serious thought to getting rid of all of the phones in my life.  There’s a phone at my workplace.  Maybe I could make do with that, or with pay phones.

Yet, this revulsion for phone calls wasn’t universal.  There were maybe two people who would brighten my day when they called.  And I knew I could spend hours on the phone with them without giving thought to ending their call.

Finally I realized what it was.

Truth-telling.

Any guy who’s in a relationship with a woman, will attest to the fact that the lazy practice of apologizing to his woman in order to get back into her good graces (especially when we don’t know what wrong we’ve done) doesn’t work.  Invariable, our women will ask “what are you sorry for, exactly?”    They are looking for specificity.  They want to know that we know exactly what we’ve done wrong, that we recognize it, and will attempt to change our behaviour in the future.

Truth-telling.  They’re interested in our truths, more than our blanket apologies.

Phone calls, or conversations in the office that revolve around trivial stuff might be of interest to some people.  Not to me though.  I could give a rat’s ass about so many trivial things.  I have no interest in polite and pointless discussion.  Pretending interest is the opposite of truth-telling.   For me, it is creative suicide.  Hanging from the patter until dead.

Hence the hated phone calls.  Except for ones received from a few people .   The difference with them?   They delved deep into things.  They were curious, and alive and passionate.  We didn’t talk about the obvious.  Not about the weather (unless it was stormy, and a tree fell down, and an adventure ensued).   Nor about what we ate that day (unless it was monkey brains, and it tasted just like squid, and was delicious, particularly with tartar sauce).

We compared notes on discoveries.  The warp and woof of universal truths.  Things we’d observed – in each other, and in other people.  We were people watchers.  We were empaths.  Anything that threatened to take us down the path of the verbal rut was jettisoned quickly, with relief.

It’s an extension of our takes on life – whether the intent is to grow, to find freedom from expectation, with the ultimate intent of flight.

Truth-telling.

It removes you from social niceties.  It gives you an appearance of danger.  Truth-tellers are generally not that predictable.   They don’t fit into the expected, the norm.  You don’t know what they’re going to say, or do.   Henry Rollins – truth-teller.  Unpredictable, dangerous.   Clint Eastwood.  Another truth-teller.   I think Bono is one too.

My acting teacher – the one I mentioned at the start of this blog.  He was a definite truth-teller.

I remember one bright shining moment of truth-telling at one of his classes.

It was my turn to get to the front of the class.   Whenever it was our turn, Teacher would pair us up with another student.  The only direction was to say something.  Anything.  And the other guy had to repeat and reflect it back.  The intent was to tap into real emotion.  So we never knew where it would go.  It was exhilarating, exciting and just a little bit scary, because it meant being vulnerable.

This time, Teacher paired me up with…..his girlfriend.

I shook my head, startled.  And then I settled in.

The first thing I noticed was that she was beautiful.   It crossed my mind that if I said my truth, Teacher might not like it.   Teacher was unpredictable, and could switch on real emotion at the drop of a hat.   One real scary dude.   Still, I thought, it’s risky but I have to do it.  I have to be real.  I can’t pretend.

So …..I smiled at her.   Teacher’s girlfriend.   She smiled back.

I gulped, because her smile affected me so much.

She started the exercise.   “You gulped.”

“I gulped” I said, nodding.

“You gulped”, she said, teasing.

“Yes, I gulped” Now I was grinning, from ear to ear.

“You’re happy” she said.

“Yes, I’m happy” I said.

Then before she could reply, I inserted a new phrase.  “You make me feel silly.”

“I make you feel silly”

“Yes” I was smiling so hard I could feel a tear of joy starting at my eyes.  It freaked me out a bit, but I had to let it go. “You make me feel silly”

“I make you feel silly” now she was grinning hard.

We went back and forth for a while, venturing a new phrase now and then, as the passion slowly built.  It took a while.

Eventually, I got to:  “you’re so bright”

“I’m so…..bright?” she asked, a slight frown at her forehead.

I corrected myself.  “Your eyes are so bright”   And so help me God – they really were.  Her eyes were shining.  I can still see them, even now.

“My eyes are bright”  she smiled, hearing the truth.

“Your eyes are bright”

She smiled and said nothing.   Teacher jumped in immediately.  “Continue!”

She cocked her head, and, still smiling, said “you’re messed up”.

Wham.  Truth.

“YES.  I’m completely messed up.”

“You’re completely messed up”

I took the next step.  “You’re messing me up”

Her face gained colour.  “I’m messing you up.”

The room was completely quiet.  Every student was leaning forward on their chairs.  I didn’t look at them, but knew exactly what was going on.  Except for Teacher.  I had no idea what he was doing.  I didn’t even want to think about him.

“Yeah, you’re messing me up.”

“Yes I’m messing you up”.  She smiled so sweetly.  (And when she did that – it *completely* messed me up)

“I want to get close to you”

I heard the class gasp.

She repeated it back, a little more quietly.  “You want to get close to me.”

“I really want to get close to you.”

“You—”   Teacher jumped up, interrupting.  “Wait a minute”

I thought “ok this is it.  He’s putting us out of our misery”  Only, he wasn’t.   He grabbed two chairs and brought them to the front of the room, facing them to each other, only a few inches apart.

“Ok” said Teacher.   “Sit there.  And continue.”

We sat.

I looked closely into her eyes.  We weren’t smiling anymore.

“We’re close to each other”

She said “we’re close to each other”

“So close” I almost breathed the words.

“So close” she murmured.

Back and forth, looking deeply into each other’s eyes.  We repeated and repeated.  It was all truth.

Finally, I whispered “I want to kiss you”

She stayed close, looking deeply into my eyes.  “You want to kiss me.”

“I want to kiss you.”

We stayed there, silent.  And we let the silence take over.  The class was silent.  I’ve never felt such stillness.

And then Teacher stood up and walked over to us.   “Well done.”

I heard the class let go of its breath.  And then they applauded.

Truth-telling.

There was an emotional after-glow to that truth exercise.   I could tell she felt it, because I saw it in her quick smiles and glances in my direction.  I could still feel my heart pounding too.   Teacher knew it to be truth, and he knew that’s as far as it went.

Once you dive into the ocean of truth-telling, anything less is a rip-off.  A facile and pointless exercise.   A spiritual hotdog when you’re craving a thick juicy peppercorn steak.

“You need to pay more attention to your Chi.”

I heard those words while sitting in a diner in Tofino, B.C. today. Seemed to resonate soundly, fitting completely with the laid back young atmosphere of this rainy little resort town.

Tofino is a beautiful anomaly. It hardly rarely gets any warmer than 15 degrees during the summer (59 Fahrenheit) or cooler than 8 degrees (43 Fahrenheit) during the day in winter. Since it exists in a rain forest, the predominant weather is….rain. Lots and lots of rain. The cheerful residents wander around town in rain boots and rain coats. You can spot the city folk (raising hand) by the fact that they’re sporting umbrellas.

Yet, for all of that, the place consists of people in their 20’s. They’re attracted to this place. I asked my host why that was.

He said “like attracts like. There are young people here, and that attracts more of the same.”

Seeing my half-accepting nod, he continued. “Plus, there aren’t that many full time jobs here. They’re all seasonal. So it’s rare that families choose to settle here.”

He thought some more. “And they really like the great surfing here too.”

This completed a picture. Yesterday, at the same little diner, I shared a table with a long-time middle-aged resident who mentioned he just bought another property.

“Must be hard getting decent tenants” I offered, drawing upon my extensive knowledge of landlord-tenant dynamics from my home in Toronto.

He sipped his coffee. Nodded. “Yeah, they only seem to want to rent for a short time. There’s a constant turnover of residents.”

The air around this town is thick with the ambience of one word: wellness. The people are fit, alive and above all, friendly. Torontonians are generally left a little pole-axed by the redolent joy of this place. There is no rushing, about anything. You don’t meet anyone while walking and not at least nod at them. What normally would be a five minute trip to the grocery store in the big city turns out to be a fifteen minute joyful experience in Tofino: residents just love to talk and meet new people. Before you walk out with your milk and bread, you’ll know a heck of a lot more about those who work in the store: where they came from, how long they’ve been there, and how cool the surfing is.

There is a surfeit of massage practitioners. Most of them offer a range of therapies including aromatherapy and Reiki. And lots of advice on how to live a healthier lifestyle. There are no fast food places here. It’s all very very healthy. If you don’t feel like visiting one of the little restaurants, you can always purchase some organic foods to bring back to wherever you’re staying.

All of the gorgeous little (and big) resorts outside of town are connected by two things: a small highway for the cars, and a paved walkway for pedestrians and cyclists. Both see lots of use. Certainly the latter is a dog walker’s paradise. All of this is surrounded by greenery, trees.

Bears and cougars have been sighted here from time to time, too. My host mentioned that one time, his guests were pretty much confined to their suite for a while because there was a mother bear and her cub hanging out, just outside their door.

On my last visit to this town, I was playing a board game with my hosts when I spotted movement outside their plate glass dining room window. I looked closer. It was a big lumbering bear, calmly making his way from the front yard to the back yard. My eyes must have been bugging out, because my host laughed. He was used to it, whereas the only dangerous wildlife this Toronto boy had ever encountered before was a slightly gassy beggar asking for change on a dim street corner.

You don’t lock your doors in this town. There’s no point. Everyone knows everyone. It’s just that kind of place. (Plus, bears and cougars don’t have opposable thumbs. So it’s all good.)

Yesterday, we took a long walk down to the ocean and saw this:

20120102-134604.jpg

In spite of all of this beauty, there are a few things I miss.

A decent internet connection.
My PVR. (Yeah, I’m addicted to my TV. Sue me.)
The night life of the big city.
A movie theatre on every corner. (Well not quite on every corner. Enough of them though).
Transit. Being able to get from A-B relatively quickly.
Sunshine. That’s a big one.

When I get back to Toronto, there is one major aspect of Tofino that I know I’ll miss.

The amazing and endearing friendliness. You can’t smile and wave at someone in Toronto without them scrambling to press the 911 speed dial on their iPhones.

(This blog is lovingly dedicated with thanks to my hosts: Miche and Angie. The latter is my daughter. The former is not my daughter.) :)

Spameteria

Posted: December 27, 2011 in humor, Life
Tags: , , ,

The extent to which people will go to separate you from your money is ridiculously amazing sometimes.

I was thinking about this when it got to be time to go through and see the fish caught in the helpful spam net provided by WordPress – comments that never made it to my blogs because of their suspicious nature. There have been rare occasions where a legitimate comment got caught – this was WordPress being cautious, and frankly, I’m glad about it. It does mean though that I can’t just go to the spam filter and press the “flush” button. Each comment needs to be scanned.

Enter the noticeably crazy games people have tried to play, just to get their website link posted to my blog.

Take this one for instance, posted on my “About Wolfshades” page:

I find myself extremely very happy to have encountered your website page and search to an abundance of more cool times reading here. Appreciate it once again for a number of things.

Non-specific praise, designed to appeal to the ego, I guess. Poorly written non-specific praise. Here, let me just ahead and unblock the comment, out of sheer gratefulness.

Or we could just move on to the next one, on the same page:

Phenomenal is the perfect option to describe this particular article. Its been months since Ive found such magnificent content. I couldnt agree on this topic.

“Magnificent”! Wow. I wonder what he found objectionable though. Obviously it was something or he would agree with me. And what problem did he find with the post, given that the subject matter was ..a little subjective, as it was about me? Let’s move on.

Check out on my site Unrealesed movies for freeee !!!

This one’s easy: “NO”

You need give assistance with my site, please can anybody look in?

A cry for help! An appeal to my manly desire to show off my extensive knowledge. OK then – first off: grab a book on grammar. Read a few pages. Familiarize yourself with basic English. For the record: the only “need” I have is to get some more sleep. Or have more wine, depending upon the time of day.

I’ve been wondering about the same factor myself lately. Delighted to see a man or woman on a single wavelength! Nice article.

Note to spammers: best do a bit of research and make a hard decision before making your pitch. Is your victim a man or a woman? Don’t be so vague – it’s insulting. Or I should say: more insulting than just your clear desire to advertise your Ugg boots on my page.

An intriguing discussion will probably be worth comment. There’s no doubt that that you can write much more on this topic,

Since you tried to post this on my “about me” page, I’d have to say you nailed it. I *could* write much more about me. I’m my favourite topic. I could talk about me all day. Would you like to know more about my amazing intellect or my drop dead gorgeous good looks? Take your time. This is Important Stuff.

Im no expert, on the other hand believe mobile computer designed a top notch point point. You undoubtedly realise what youre talking over, and so i will surely fall behind that.

OMG. Don’t don’t hurt hurt yourself.

I love scrambled eggsпїЅпїЅ physical exercises donпїЅпїЅt seem pretty much as good another way! I really do decide to make them while in the microwave, though!

Dude. Now you’re not even trying. I can’t respect a lazy spammer. Go have some more eggs, and try hard not to choke on them.

I was just talking with my coworker about this the other day at Outback steak house. Dont know how in the world we landed on the subject actually , they brought it up. I do recall having a excellent chicken salad with ranch on it. I digress

You sure do. And I decline. Try again? (N/N)

And now, because the rest are variations on the above, one final one, which someone attempted to post on my “About me” page:

We might live like this under mans laws but not by GODS LAWS. These people are wrong by our lords law and marraige is mam@ woman, so go ahead with this cause we dont have a right to judge you but GOD DOES.

Your poor attempt to provoke a comment fight has failed. If you weren’t trying to sell me something I might have bitten. I’m sending Bruce and Terry over to set you straight by the way. They’re pretty sure you’re just as fabulous as they are.

Demand

Posted: December 11, 2011 in Life
Tags:

Sometimes the privilege come your way and you don’t even realize it until the moment’s gone.

That serendipitous moment that leaves you stunned and staring in disbelief.  You don’t even want to move, because you might blink and in blinking you might miss a crucial half second of this moment.  So you just stand there, drinking it in.

In the same moment that you consider grabbing your camera you dismiss the thought, knowing that there is no capturing this moment.  This is one for the ages, a fleeting instant to be recalled only in your memory.  One day, you may sit in stupefaction, unable to express a thought, just staring blankly at the wall, and you know that even though you can’t speak, and no one can hold a conversation with you, this is one of the memories that will remain.  Along with thoughts of that first kiss, that first dance, or the time you saw the brown dust blanketing your consciousness as your car turned over and over on the hot highway on that bright sunny day.

This shining gift is yours to keep.  You can’t give it away because the nature of it won’t allow it.  It fills the landscape of your mind, an incredible vista of darkness and shining stars.  Music cascades through the leaves of your mind’s trees, disturbing the air, shaking out sweetness with the sour, inviting your taste.  Taste, tactile brightness, a mystery hidden – you’re intrigued and curious.  Is there a rabbit hole in your future?   You don’t know and you can’t ask anyone.  This is your adventure, and yours to explore.

Sometimes this memory teases you as you toss and turn, dreaming.  Morning comes, and with it, blurriness and harsh light.  The disappointment is palpable and you struggle to retain those last notes which wink out even as you reach for them.   You walk to your computer and tap tap the keys to bring it to life.  Hair on precarious end, you close your eyes and type without looking, hoping the remainder of …something…will occur.   You type, not knowing exactly what you want to say, and miraculously, a new thought shows up on the screen – not the dream, but…perhaps a child to the dream.  A new thing.  In excitement, your fingers fly faster, building, dancing, creating.  You smile in your tiredness, knowing the beauty of this moment.  This moment.  This new time, this new gift.  Music infuses your consciousness – new notes, a new tide, a new rhythm.  Instinctively, you know this gift somehow relates to last night’s slumber, though you don’t know how.  It doesn’t matter – this sentient thought has its own agenda.  You delight in the pure creativity of this thing, aware that you can’t understand whether you control it, or it controls you.   It seems to thrive on its own, driven to life.

You despair the lack of a piano with which to dress this thought.  Words alone won’t suffice – it is too demanding.  The cry of a baby demanding mother’s milk has nothing on this.   Feed it, clothe it, give it purpose and vocabulary.  Give it music, give it dance, give it…give it….give it.

No matter – this wailing needful purpose will find its way, dragging you with it.  It laughs at the notion of beauty – enticement is in its DNA.  This is a given.  To mention it is redundant and yesterday.  We’re interested in the moment and the future of the next moment only. This thought looks around, searching for scraps of experience and creativity with which to cloth itself.  Fine, there’s no piano, there’s no guitar, but that’s not the end of the story, is it?   This thing will live.  It needs to exist.   You only thought you had a choice, and maybe that was true at the beginning.   Somewhere along the way, between thought, and dreaming, it became alive in a way you never realized.   It has reason, and necessity – and strangely enough, although narcissistic at the start, it now sees a world purpose quite beyond its borders.   It is now empathic, and so very curious, almost frightening in its intensity.  It feels the pain of the void of others – and it knows it has the ability to heal and bring life.

The creation now wants to create.  It wants to bring its own life into the present.

The clock ticks and you look up, realizing so much time has walked by, ignored and forgotten.

You scratch your head, and push yourself away from the computer.

And like before, you realize, only after you get up and saunter down the hall to take your shower that once again….

You have experienced a privilege.   You didn’t know it until now.

How much electronic pain must be suffered at the delighted hands of masochistic fairy muses, who flit about teasing the writer with half-formed ideas?   All day long this one has been continually dive-bombed by brilliant sparkling thoughts, only to see them fade away as soon as the mental hand reaches out to grasp.

At the heart of the exercise is the certainty that such grasping is not in vain.  The hope stretches beyond wishing, to the point of clarity:  gems are meant to be mined, not left in the walls of rock, forever ignored, forgotten.

The analogy searches beyond the immediate:  while the gem is the goal, it goes beyond just writing, or just ideas.  The gem reflects the natural light of value, inherent in those lights who have perceived it.  The woman whose flashing eyes reveal far more spirit turmoil and joy than most in her company.  Hidden to most, she is accessible to the seeker who somehow just can’t stop perceiving.   Like the ephemeral muse, her quick quirks of dangerous laughter upsets the apple cart of decency and “the norm”.  The writer understands and yet knows that he doesn’t get it all.   His self-awareness understands the depths of his own ignorance, and the intrigue tickles his mental taste buds.  A flavour, filling the mouth with ambiguous fire.

It’s not often this happens – this departure from every day mundane musings, and when it does, it’s certainly welcome.  I was reading “Jitterbug Perfume” (once again, probably for the tenth time, but who knows – and more importantly who’s counting?), when a new pre-ordered book slipped into the e-bookshelf of my iPad Kindle application.   The dangerous world of espionage had always intrigued me, and so I flipped over from “Jitterbug” to read the first chapter.   In normal mundane times, I would start such a book but wouldn’t stop until it was finished.  My appetite for reading has always been like that:  voracious and hungry, and unable to stop until full.  I’ve missed meetings and have been late for doctors’ appointments because of it.  There’s no shame there, really.  I revel in the fact that brilliant ideas, written painstakingly by good authors are so greatly appreciated on this side of the internet.

Yet, this time, I only made it to the first couple of paragraphs before the compulsion to jump back to “Jitterbug” irritated me mercilessly.  I knew why, too.   Robbins’ writing – at least in this work – does not lend itself to distraction.   Literary vortexes are like that.   This one is anyway.  It tends to consume concentration, with the promise of reward.  His dark maelström of lightening beneath bitter clouds floods the consciousness with meaning and soulish rapture.  It instigates and enables so many epiphanic ideas and thoughts.   I suppose it’s why I read the book so many times.   There’s an old commercial about the snack food “Bits and Bites” – where the cartoon narrator reaches into a box and pulls out some content while saying “something different in every handful”.   “Jitterbug Perfume” is just like that, with every reading.

It’s an unceasing drill sergeant too, demanding, obstinate and blunt.   The bright thoughts demand action and reaction, and doesn’t seem to know what “tolerate” means.  I suppose the contrast becomes too apparent:   the world “Machine” wants everyone to take a seat and settle down.  We are cajoled and advised to be content, to watch our favourite TV programs, to eat our fatty foods and be quiet.  To be precise:  the Machine would rather we shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, and don’t stir up any shit.

Following that advise is what gets you old.  It’s an intricate preparation for disease and death.  Many of us are cool with that, and plan accordingly.   When we question that direction, and ask why it is, the only response is “well it’s complicated”.   Truth-speak for “not only wouldn’t you understand – we don’t want you to get it.”

The Machine keeps stepping on my chi, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough of it.  The best defence is a good offence, and the best offence is to be offensive.  Challenging my own direction is scary and a little invigorating.  It pleases me to be displeasing to conventional wisdom.

One has to suppose that the grown adult’s self-imposed rut comes from a lifetime of digging and creating a nest.  Even the most creative of us gets used to the idea of comfort wherever we can find it, or create it.  Stability is the goal, and at least for me, stagnation is the result.  So there’s a trade-off isn’t there?   If you want security, be prepared to be bored.   If you want excitement, know that your life won’t be all that stable, and it certainly won’t be predictable.

Deep in historical awareness – the same awareness that exists within our DNA – is the exhilarating knowledge that steps into uncertainty and risk have their own reward.  Joy, excitement, and even a measure of a type of security.  It knows that the plush fruit of its acts will shine attractively to those who don’t yet have it.

Ever wonder about the state of the economy and where it will all end?  I have.   Some things seem certain:  those who invest themselves in artistic directions always have willing buyers.  People who – like me for so long in my life – have become art voyeurs, the Hansel and Gretel of life’s forest, excited by the new trail, but lulled to a certain undignified grave.

The choice becomes simple.  On one hand, we can concentrate on consuming (and become consumed), and on the other we can concentrate on creating, bringing new life and enlarging our perceived horizon, constantly growing and finding room for more growth.

Voyeur or voyager.

If you could write a letter to yourself when you were sixteen, what would you say?

Joseph Galliano, an editor, has compiled a list of letters from people many of us know, and has created a book from that collection, entitled “Dear Me.  A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self”.

So…..

What would I say?

It would go something like this:

—————————–

Hi there.  There’s some stuff you should know.

First off:  trust your instincts.  Remember how troubled you felt when that guy came to pick up your sister for a date?  Remember how normal he seemed, and yet you couldn’t shake off a feeling of danger?  Well, sadly, you were right.  Your sis was OK and everything, but it got pretty dicey for a while there.  The man was dangerous and you were right to be afraid for her.   You have an instinct that borders on ESP.  Don’t worry that it sounds all airy-fairy – just go with it.  Trust yourself.  It doesn’t mean you should quickly judge everyone.  You’ll get older and wiser and soon you’ll be able to differentiate between prejudice and empathy.   You have the empathic spark though – don’t forget it.

Oh, and to help you along:  here’s one indicator of the difference.  Empathic awareness is insistent and relentless and often has no bearing on perceived logic at the time.   Prejudice on the other hand, isn’t nearly as urgent, and it tends to rationalize – usually based upon someone else’s opinion, presented as fact.  It’s almost a form of laziness.  You’ll understand.  It’s just a matter of time and unending curiosity.

Which brings me to another point.  Remember how your dad criticized you for thinking all the time?  Remember how weird that seemed?  Well he was wrong.  This is actually one of your best qualities, and it will serve you well.  Though you’re not great at school (and by the way, forget about trying to memorize names and dates – I’ll tell you why in a minute), your curiosity will take you through life in an amazing way.  You’ll learn so much, just because you thought to question.  And you know what else?   This is a side benefit of your curiosity:  people love to talk.  Especially about themselves.  So ask them, and just enjoy their experience.  It’s sort of what makes you tick.

Which brings me to another point.   If you’re curious enough, and ask the right people, you can probably avoid a lot of years of spinning your wheels in frustration.  Start slowly, but work on it constantly.  Ask questions from people who don’t share your religious beliefs.  Get to know what life is like for people who don’t go to your church. It’s important.  Read some of the great philosophers (if you can – I know how hard it is to get into intricately detailed books.  There’s a reason for that.  More later.).

There is such a great value and such pleasure available to you when you learn to open your mind up a bit.

Oh, and something else:  remember how you sought out the advice of a school counsellor during those times when your father was creating a living hell on earth at home?  Remember how you sat in her office and told her about how he would get so drunk and so angry, and everyone was afraid – and about how you called the cops on him?

Well that was a good starting point for you, but it wasn’t the end.   In between all of that crap you sort of got lost.  You thought your identity was with the church, because people there were really nice, and they welcomed you so gladly.  Their hearts were real, and they really did like you, but you made a tiny little mistake:  you thought you had to be like them.  I mean, exactly like them.  You mimicked them so closely that you really had no idea who you were.  Oh, I know you think you did, but trust me, you didn’t.  You tried so hard to be the social chameleon out of habit:  you knew that in order to survive in that hellish house, you had to figure out what The Beast wanted at any given time, and manoeuvre yourself accordingly.  You learned how to placate and accommodate, as this is what your eight year old self figured out, to survive.  You knew if you did this, maybe The Beast wouldn’t hurt anyone.  You had no idea back then, that what you did didn’t really matter.   He was looking for an excuse to lash out.

I think you should take the time to see a doctor and get yourself sorted out.   You lack one major thing right now – self awareness.  Once you have that, you’ll be on your way.

When you’re talking with the doc, also share with him about how much you hate school projects, and why.  Tell him too about all of your clumsiness and accidents.  It’s important.  Tell him about how you daydream all the time, and forget so many things.  Tell  him about those comments in your report cards, where the teacher says “could do better if he applied himself”.  About how you’re always late, and always always ALWAYS have to run to school every morning to get to band class, because you’re just not able to ever leave on time.   What you’re going through is not normal – and hopefully the doc will pick up on that.

Pay attention to what you like in school, and what you don’t like.  Indulge your love of music and dramatic arts.   It’s part of who you are.  Find ways to get more involved.  Forget about what others tell you that you *should* do, relative to class courses.  Take up the drama class, and join the drama club too.  There’s a brilliant teacher there – get to know him, even though he’s a little frightening, because he’s abrupt and cold, and because he’s really big, like your dad.

Even though your history teacher is amazing – because he brings history to life so well, – you’re going to find yourself hating it in Grade 13.   The new teacher will want the class to memorize names and dates for everything – and you’d rather get into a fight with a school bully than do that.  The daydreaming at this point will be your downfall and you’ll want to give up.  And maybe you should.  But not for long.   Being a kid, you think that you should be able to do everything, or nothing.  You’re kind of black and white like that.  It won’t occur to you (which is why I’m telling you now) that everyone has strengths in certain things, while they suck at others.  You’re never going to be an academic – you’re intelligent enough, but it’s just not who you are.   You won’t work in the trades either.  You don’t know it, but your strength is in people, and in entertainment, and in the arts.  This is not a bad thing.  These are the things that excite you, and get your heart racing.

There are other things to tell you but they should be a surprise.  You’re going to go through some heavy stuff, but if you follow all of the above advice, you’ll at least establish a firm and trustworthy foundation for dealing with them.  Some of the harsh stuff will bring some interesting surprises that you’ll love.

One last thought: some of the best plans never work out.  What is true for you today might not be true tomorrow.    Trust yourself, and trust your instincts.  The one seed for your tree of life never changes:  you must live.  Not just survive, and not just tolerate.  You probably have no idea what I mean by this, so search out a book, called “Jitterbug Perfume”.  Read it one time so that you satisfy your curiosity about the plot.  And when it’s done, read it again.

—————————–

So.  What would you write to yourself?  Better yet – if you feel like it, write a blog, and provide a link to it in the comments here.

He dug his hands deeper in his pockets.   It was getting to that ridiculous time of the year, and just like the last time this particular month nodded at him, he grumbled about it.  Inwardly, to himself, of course because there were so many others who looked forward to the holiday season.  And the snow.  And the cold.  And skiing.  And eggnog.

Frowning, he trudged on, neck bent in a vain attempt to reduce exposure to the north wind.   It didn’t matter though.  The capricious breeze danced and teased him, sneaking up against him, in brittle busses at his ear lobes and at the back of his neck.  Even one of his ankles got in on the action.   This was a slutty draft, willing to get busy with any and all comers, turning white skin to red.  A city bus would have been a good idea, he thought.  Or a taxi.  A taxi would have gotten him there by now.

And like that his fickle mind switched gears.  It couldn’t b helped.  A bluesy electric guitar solo had begun to warble in his mind and a grin escaped before he could catch it.  The warmth of the bar, the laughter of friends, and soothing wine all glowed in his memory and his footsteps picked up in anticipation.  The distance didn’t exactly fly by, but it seemed to glide a little easier at least.  Not for the first time he acknowledged that if he suddenly lost all of his senses and became immobile, he knew he’d be okay.  He would have his music, deep in his soul, to keep him entertained and alive.

Soon enough (though not soon enough) he saw the glowing sign of the bar.  A different draft greeted him as soon as opened the huge wooden door and stepped inside.  A woodsy rich warmth enveloped in before he could get his coat off.  Inwardly, he sighed.

Looking around, he realized none of his friends were there yet.  He was early.   There was a set of four thick velour-covered armchairs that were mostly empty, waiting to make him comfortable.  The only occupied chair contained a gentle-faced bearded man, who was reading a newspaper.   He noted that the guy’s stomach overflowed the arms of the chair, precariously pushing the boundaries of his heavily stained white shirt.

After sitting down, he heard a voice.  It was the Beard.

“Excuse me.”

He looked at him.

The Beard’s voice was gentle.  “Hope you don’t mind.  I’m waiting for my students to join me.”

He stood up.  “Oh sorry.  I should have asked.”

The Beard smiled.  “No problem.  I’m using a wheelchair, and they’re …..”  His voice was lost.  Either that or in his haste to find another spot for him and his friends, he had stopped paying much attention to whatever The Beard was saying.

“No problem. I’ll just sit over here.”

“Sorry about disturbing you.”

Disturbing.  That was an odd choice of word.   “No problem” he said again, nodding.

Just as he was sitting down to a table, his friends arrived, laughing and joking.  “Over here!” he said, and they made their way over.

The discussion was just as bright as he anticipated.  Except of course for their cheerful thoughts about the coming winter.  With the exception of one wayward remark “you know – I frigging HATE winter.  So shut up about it already” he mostly kept his opinion to himself.  They would only laugh anyway.   Saying more about it would be redundant.

The wine and beer flowed, and the laughter got a little raucous.   The owner of the place enjoyed a variety of music, which provided a pleasant backdrop to their conversations.  This, he knew, was what set this place against others.  Here, you could talk and expect to be heard.

As the night wore on, he looked over and noticed that The Beards’ students hadn’t joined him.

As he came back from one of his many bathroom visits, The Beard said something to him.

He turned back and looked at him.  “Sorry?”

“I wonder if you could do me a huge favour?” he asked.

“Sure.”

The Beard’s hand dove into his deep pants pocket, and after a lot of grunting and shifting, he eventually wrestled out a tangle of keys.

“Would you mind going out to my white SUV – just outside the door –  and getting me my asthma inhaler?  It’s in the glove compartment.  I’d do it myself but I’m in a wheelchair…”

He glanced around and couldn’t for the life of him see the wheelchair.  The Beard was large enough to need one though so he let it go.

The Beard continued.  “And I’ll pay you for your troubles.”

He shook his head.  “No problem.  And no need to pay me.”   He took the keys.   “The white SUV, right?”

The Beard smiled.  “Right.   Oh, and you’ll have to go in the driver’s door, because the passenger side is broken.”

He took the keys and went out to the parking lot.  He saw the SUV immediately.   As soon as he opened the door,  a soul-destroying fragrance assaulted him.  His ever-lingering entomophobia raised its ugly head.  The presence of this stink must warrant a party of bugs, he just knew it.   Of course, the glove compartment was nowhere within reaching distance, so he knew he’d have to climb into the driver’s seat.  The stinky, probably bug-filled driver’s seat.

Right away he noticed the piles of newspapers, and all of the unopened packages of meat.  There was a lot of them, all with their store stickers still attached.  He wondered how old they were.  Hopefully The Beard had just purchased them.  If not, this could be the source of the horrendous stench.  It could just as easily be body odour though.  Or bugs.  Millions of bugs.

After finally locating the inhaler, he couldn’t get out of the SUV fast enough.  His skin rebelled as if trying to crawl off of his frame.  He knew his first job after the bar was to jump in the shower.  Maybe his clothes needed to be burned.  He wasn’t sure yet.

As he handed the inhaler to him, The Beard said “oh, thank you.  I’ll pay you.  How much do you want?”

Why was this guy talking about paying him?  Where did that come from?   “No, it’s OK. No pay required.”  He gave The Beard a sick smile.

The Beard smiled back.  “Thanks.   Oh, and would you do me one more favour?”

He looked at him.

“Would you ask the waitress for a pen?  I’m going to do a crossword.”

That was easy.  “OK.  Sure.”

He got the pen and gave it to him.

The Beard said “thanks.  And would you mind asking the waitress to…”

He interrupted him.  “Sorry – I have to get going.”

“Oh” The Beard said.  “Well ok.  Thanks again.”

“No problem.”

His friends were curious.   Jim said “what was that about?”

“Oh nothing.  Guy just needed something from his SUV.”

He didn’t’ mention the stench, or the packages of meat and the newspapers.   He was still trying to process it all.   Something was seriously amiss with this guy.  Evidently he had money, and a big appetite.  And maybe a hoarding problem.  He didn’t know whether to pity him or continue to just be horrified, as he was just then.

“Listen guys.  I have to cut the night short.  It’s been fun.  Catch you later, OK?”

Peter nodded.  “See you later.  You driving?”

“No.  I’ll catch a bus.”

He left, puzzled and anxious to get home to that hot shower.

“You’re having trouble urinating? Here’s a script for OxyContin.  Won’t help the problem, but you won’t care anymore.”

You wouldn’t trust a doctor who treated you this way, and neither would I.  Some patients are looking for just such treatment though – and for them, a doctor who did this would be a god-send.  There are likely as many different motivations for a visit to the doctor’s office as there are patients.

Unfortunately, the first visit to the doctor’s office about a single symptom (or usually, a combination) might not be as simple as one would hope.

A friend of mine – who happens to be a medical doctor – has been branching out into the alternative medicine area.  Normally, this is forbidden territory for doctors, as there are a great many quacks out there, touting their substandard snake oil remedies.  However, in amongst the frauds are those folk who have re-discovered traditional remedies from other cultures, notably Indian and Chinese, some of which appear to work.

The cynic would suggest that maybe some of these remedies work because of their placebo effect, and I would tend to agree.  Then the question is:  what’s wrong with placebos, if the patient gets better, or his symptoms begin to subside?  It doesn’t necessarily suggest he was psychosomatic, or was faking his illness.  It speaks to a fundamental truth (well I think it’s a truth, though really it’s just a good guess or opinion) that the body has an amazing ability to heal itself.

Full disclosure:  though not a cynic, I tend to lean that direction.  People who complain about illness all the time bore me, mostly because I have a hard time believing their ailments are real.  I know that sometimes they are, but I know that for every person with a legitimate complaint, there’s another one right behind him who is subconsciously looking for attention.   I’ve been privy to their conversations too, which go something like this:

“I’ve got a headache”

“Oh yeah?  Well I’ve got a headache and a backache. ”

“Well that’s too bad, but guess what?  I’ve had my headache for two weeks.”

“I know what you mean.  I’ve had this backache since I was born.”

“Really?  And the doctors haven’t figured out why?”

“No.  I’m supposed to go in for an MRI next week.”

“Wow.  Yeah.  The doctors haven’t figured out why I have so many headaches either.  My great-grandfather had them so it’s probably genetic.  My kids will probably have them too.  I keep asking little Cindy if her head hurts.”

“You shouldn’t do that.  You’ll get her thinking she should have a headache.  That she’s not normal unless she has one.”

“I’m not worried.  I do see her putting her hand to her head sometimes though.  Just like I do.  It’s why I ask her.”

“Well I—OWW!”

“What?”

“My back.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, see you later.  I’ve got to get some pills into me.”

“Oh?  What kind?”

“Demerol”

“That’s kid stuff.  You should get your doc to prescribe Oxy.  It’s the BOMB, man.”

“Huh.  Maybe I will.”

(a.k.a. Dance of the Aching Fairies)

My doctor friend, in pursing the road less travelled, is exhibiting all kinds of courage, I think.  She has given credence to the fact that modern medicine doesn’t have all of the answers (though it often pretends to), and that some alternative remedies have been proven to work, above and beyond the placebos effect.   Her belief is that modern medicine has its place, and that non-traditional medicine should not be so easily dismissed.  I believe her, actually, even though I don’t always agree with what she has to say about some things.  More on that later.     Her blog, by the way is here:   http://www.bloomingwellness.com/

Today, she wrote a status update on her Facebook page – http://facebook.com/BloomingWellness – which pointed to an article about how some bizarre behaviours might be indicative of internal organic issues, rather than mental problems.    She had this to say:

I just finished an interview for Alternative Mental Health with Attorney Beth Maloney, who was recently featured on this segment of The Doctors and author of the book, Saving Sammy. We talked about how her son was misdiagnosed with OCD, put on SSRIs, when in fact he had PANDAS- an autoimmune disease caused by an antibody to Strep. Pneumo. that attacks the basal ganglia in the brain. Parents should be aware of PANDAS, a disease we don’t really learn about in medical school ( we don’t) , because certain behavioral issues in kids ( like ADHD ones, OCD, Tourettes, etc…) can actually be due to PANDAS, and doctors miss it all the time. A simple blood test may differentiate a true psychiatric issue from an autoimmune one so your child can receive the right treatment instead of a mess of drugs that are wrong.

It seems to me that the root of the issue – not about such an innocuously named condition called PANDAS, but about the initial wrong conclusion – has its basis on a culture which likes to speed everything up.  Got a problem? See a doc and get a diagnosis so that you can get some pills and get rid of it.   Most of us want that – though some would prefer a prescription of exercise or a change in diet over taking pills.  Not many of us consciously wish to remain bound by a condition or disease which limits us.  Even those who subconsciously enjoy the attention, really are miserable, and know they’d be better off if they were well.

I’ve heard stories from a few doctors about patients who come to their office, pretty much demanding antibiotics because of a scratchy throat.   In addition to a fast-paced society which can’t tolerate downtime due to illness, this presents yet another problem:  patients who think they’re doctors.  We can probably blame the internet for this, and sites like Google and mayoclinic.com .

We have all heard stories about teachers with imagined qualifications in psychiatry who diagnose ADHD in their children.   Many people use this abhorrent behaviour to cast doubt on ADHD altogether.  I can’t tell you how many times – since receiving my own diagnosis – people have said “oh EVERYONE has ADHD” – by which they mean that no one does.  My doctor friend and I have disagreed publicly about a lot concerning ADHD but to be fair:  she’s a medical doctor and I’m not; and some of her objections are I think quite valid.

She worries that too many people are looking to medications to resolve their issues with ADHD, and she wonders about the motivation of drug companies in this respect.  The same could be said of cancer and drug companies for that matter – and I’ve already heard a repeated cynical comment about this:  “the cure for cancer is already out there but isn’t being shared because too many organizations will lose money.”   I’m not sure I completely disagree.  I truly believe everyone has a motive for what they do, and that no one spends money building products without expecting some kind of return at the end of the day.

This does not equate to non-altruistic motivations though.  A doctor needs to make a living and gets paid accordingly, yet many often come close to burnout in doing so.  The extra mile they take often has nothing to do with money, and has everything to do with patient care.  Ditto those doctors who travel to remote parts of the earth to volunteer with Doctors Without Borders (or Médecins Sans Frontières).   I have to believe the same kind of ethic holds true for many in the drug companies too.

Some doctors and drug officials are of course totally in it for the money.  I’m just not convinced the paint brush is that wide.

When it comes to mental issues, there’s a harder diagnostic road to travel.  Unlike cancer or an enlarged prostate, you can’t open the brain and say “oh there’s the problem.  This part of the brain is green while the rest is gray and so that’s why this patient is schizophrenic.”  Instead, doctors must look at a whole host of reference material, which includes but isn’t limited to patient behaviours.   In my case, the hours of testing included looked at my childhood, genetic factors, and behaviours that everyone has experienced on one occasion or another.   The testing was designed to eliminate other factors or conditions or medical problems, in order to come to a robust conclusion.    This was NOT a case of my family physician hearing my complaint in one session and then coming to a diagnosis.

Much had to do with my own motivation as well.  The first surprise was realizing that everything I thought was normal – and something that everyone struggled with – was not normal.  Until then, I was convinced that my problem was a combination of laziness and even early onset of Alzheimer’s.   I had no idea why others in school progressed so quickly and retained so much, while I struggled along, barely making it.  I knew I was intelligent but you know – for a while there I thought I was incredibly stupid.   I learned how to work around my symptoms, and found creative ways to avoid circumstances and work that would highlight my deficiencies.   Really creative – which is how I figured out I wasn’t stupid.

Ultimately, it was the body of behaviours that indicated a deviation from the norm.  Whether we call it ADHD or “Yellow Pickle” is immaterial.  The issues are:  what’s the cause; and then, what’s the treatment?

Even this seems to vary, depending upon the patient.  Some fellow ADHDers swear by increased exercise, copious amounts of coffee and stern attention to diet.  Others have taken the behaviour therapy route, which goes like this:

  • I have trouble focusing, which means:
  • I often lose my keys; or
  • I am late for appointments; or
  • I forget I even have appointments; or
  • I can’t remember important details in a work project; or
  • I often look for stimulants, like illegal drugs; or
  • I put myself in harm’s way too often, because I need the rush; or
  • ….any number of other behaviours (there’s quite a list, actually)

Any of these can be mitigated by any of the treatments mentioned above.  Some of the behaviours might be rooted in causes other than ADHD.  There could be chemical issues.  The science on this is not yet perfected.  About the only thing doctors seem to agree is the body of behaviours.  Thank God for that.

The bottom line is what I told my doctor friend:  the path to diagnosis and treatment is neither as quick or as easy as patients (and occasionally doctors) would like it to be.  It’s not simple, and much depends upon the expertise and experience of the doctor (which is why my own GP didn’t want to treat me – she had neither), and upon the willingness of the patient to wait until all of the facts were in.

Your comments are invited:  have you or anyone you know (no names please, let’s keep it anonymous) struggled with getting a diagnosis about anything?   What are you thoughts about people who diagnose themselves?  What about alternative medicines – what are your thoughts on that?

You know, when the news first came out about the Occupy Wall Street protests and demonstrations, my cynicism kicked in.

There were no clear demands.  I didn’t know what they wanted.  They had lots of complaints, but little to no information on “what should we do about it?”

In the 60’s, the protesters demanded peace.  They wanted the soldiers to exit from Vietnam.  The recent Arab Spring protests were pretty focused too:  they wanted the dictators to step down or die.  The Tiananmen Square protests were all about basic freedoms.  The freedom to speak.  Those protesters died for their efforts.  Now there was a protest I could get behind.

So what the hell were these Occupy Wall Street protests about?  My jaded perception painted the protesters as seasoned agitators, all talking about “The Man”.   Unionists, and rebel groups with too much time on their hand.

Even now, there are lots of news commenters and bloggers, columnists and commenters saying pretty much the same thing.

These guys just want something for nothing.  They don’t want to work for privileges.  They think rich people are evil.  They want a communist state.  They want the government to come in like Robin Hood:  take from the rich and give to the poor.

Still, I’m old enough to know the value of holding my breath until the information is clear.  The only available information was conjecture.  Opinion.

I’m of the firm belief that no PR firm will ever go broke underestimating the willingness of the masses to accept the simplest and most sensational opinion as fact.   The temptation to put on the mantle of xenophobia is compelling for many of us.  It comes from a distrust and fear of change.  We are at our most comfortable when we can point to a group of people and describe them as “them” and us as “us”.  We value clear distinctions.  It makes us feel better about ourselves.

Lest you are left with the impression that I’m preaching here (making me “me” and you “you guys who are doing all this horrid stuff”) I’m not.  I have my own prejudices, some of which are wrong, and a few that I’m working on.

Here’s the thing though.

Upon looking at some of these crowds, I was a little startled to see many middle-aged folk, and some grandparents – out there with signs.  These weren’t hipsters or hippies (and someday, someone can tell me the difference between the two).  They weren’t radicals, looking for a free ride.

I began listening to their stories.  What they had to say made me uncomfortable.  Mostly because I identified too strongly with them.  I’ve been where some of them are right now.  It’s not fun.

One time I found myself out of work, when I had a wife and kids to support.  It was scary.  I quickly found another place to work but for a while there it looked pretty dicey.

We were the recipients of charity.  While we were grateful for the groceries that were brought to our door, I have to tell you: it was pretty humbling.

I grew up relatively poor, too.  Food was scarce, often consisting of meal after meal of peanut butter sandwiches.   We ate lots of macaroni and cheese too, because it was the cheapest item in the grocery store.  The sheriff came close to kicking us out of our house because my dad missed so many mortgage payments.  I remember staying up late nights, back when I was still a young teenager, because of the burden of that worry.

Many of the Wall Street protesters are in that boat right now.  Many have lost their homes and their jobs.  They don’t know what to do.   Jobs aren’t plentiful.  Some are living in cars.   I heard some advice on a TV drama tonight:  “if the time ever comes and you have enough money to either make a mortgage payment or make a car payment,  make the car payment.  Because you can live in a car, but you can’t drive a house.”

For many people, that’s exactly the point.

So we come full circle:  what do the protesters want?

They want things to go back to normal.  They want to work for a living.  They want their dignity back.  They don’t want handouts.

The problem is:  they don’t know how that can happen.  So they rage, helplessly.  They know how things got to be bad.  They know about the sub-prime mortgage nonsense – which really was an elaborate Ponzi scheme.  Their bankers told them the mortgages they were signing for so little down was all legit.  It never occurred to them to question it.   I recall a conversation here in Canada where someone bragged about how good the States had it with housing, and how property could be obtained for almost a song.  America was the land of golden streets and big luxury cars.  I envied their standard of living.

I’m not envying them anymore.  Not on your life.

I think we need to conclude that the Occupy Wall Street protests aren’t as simple as we’d like them to be.  Participants reflect our own demographics.  People for whom we can say “there but for the grace of God, go I.”    The only separating “them” from “us” is the fact that our employer hasn’t yet decided to close up shop just yet.   Some of us are hanging by a thread though.

CIMG1034

The final campsite looked over the water of the lake to the west.  When we found it initially I was just glad we had found something.  A place to set up our tent.  I had no idea of the beauty we were going to eventually see.  I’m sure Angie did.  Not me though – my focus was on the upper back pain that nine hours’ worth of paddling brought to the experience.

Instead of the horrendous climb we had to take at the initial – and non-legal – campsite, this one involved a gentle grade.  It was in a word, easy.  Easy to get to, easy to secure our canoe, easy to go back and forth to the water.

Angie had thoughtfully decided we needed to bring one of those folding beer chairs on the trip – she wanted to make sure I was comfortable.  Being the ultimate city-boy, I had no problem with that idea whatsoever.  A chair in the wilderness.  How cool was that?  Now if only we could have a microwave.  And maybe some electricity to go with it (*that would be nice!*) it might approach something more close to “normal”.

I had thought ahead too, and having investigated exactly what camping entailed at this wilderness park, knew that, although there would be plenty of trees upon which the men-folk (i.e. me) could do our business, there was also a kind of toilet-type contraption set up at each site, far away from the camping area for the girls, and for “other business”.  It wasn’t an outhouse, exactly.  It was a wooden stool, out in the open. You had to lift up the lid to use it, and your “business” dropped into a large hole.  The perfect composting spot. Knowing this, I decided that the only thing missing was some wet handy-wipes, which we could use to wash our hands afterward.

This was my first canoeing camping trip.  That’s my excuse.  It was not Angie’s.  She was the ultimate safety guide.  Her preparation for the trip included things like little bells we each would wear, in order to let animals (i.e. BEARS) know that we were around.  Think of the term “belling the cat” – the wearing of which allows mice to get away.  My thought was: “well, if we wear these bells, the bears will know where lunch is”.   Angie knew better though, and assured me.   “Dad” she said.  “They don’t want to be around us if they can help it.  Trust me.”

I did.

Oh, and she also brought along some pepper spray, in case….well you know – in case they were outlaw bars and decided that yes, we actually did look quite delicious to them.  And she brought some “bear bangers” as well.  Contrary to the name, these weren’t sticks which one would use to bang on the snout of any miscreant bears.  The “bang” instead referred to a loud noise they could make, should we be so unfortunate enough to come face to face with a bear.

Angie was prepared.

I mean *fully* prepared, right down to her idea of making sure we packed fleece jackets to wear at night (I wore mine both nights, because man was it ever cold!).   And she knew about food too, and had purchased some rope so that we could hang the smelly food high up in the air, away from hungry raccoons and even hungrier bears.   She knew enough to hang this stuff well away from where we were sleeping too.

So when I proudly produced the handy-wipes for our toilet business, she looked at me sort of sideways.  She may have even laughed, I’m not sure.

“Dad” she said.  “We have to put that up with the food.”

“But why?” I asked.   “We need this.  It’s for germs and—”

“Dad.  It smells.  It’s perfumed.  Animals will try to get to this.  You can’t have it lying around.”

I looked at the place where we were going to hang everything.  And then I looked further on down the path, where the wooden stool-toilet thing sat, complacently, as it gazed off into the trees, unconcerned about my toilet-focused dignity.  I honestly couldn’t figure out why bears would want these handy-wipes.  I thought they had sheep for that.   But I caved, helpless in the face of her expertise.

“Ok” I grumbled.  “Here you go.”  And with that, I handed it to her, resigned to a germ-enhanced camping experience.

In fact, I unconsciously shook hands with wilderness dirt and grime and decided they would become my new bosom buddies for the remainder of this exercise.

After we gathered some wood, Angie started up a fire at the stone fire pit while I went off to gather even more wood.  Because you can never have enough, really.   When it gets dark, it’s damned hard to go hunting for firewood.  You would end up just tripping over everything.  Maybe even a slumbering bear.  Slumbering bears don’t like to be disturbed.  Not that I asked any of them.  I just thought it seemed good sense to try and anticipate their annoyance.

As the sun creeped toward the horizon, we heard loons calling to one another.  Probably the loneliest sound in the world, I think.  Plaintive and resonant, that sound pierces your concentration.

I came back to the campsite with the last load of wood, and saw that Angie no where near the fire was beginning to die down.  I noticed that she had put a big pot of water on it, to boil so I put some wood on it, and looked around and found my book.

Finally, after all of the hustling and setting up, there was peace.  Angie was practising yoga I think, while I sat on the wooden bench reading the book and occasionally feeding wood into the crackling flames.   The hornet that had bothered us earlier was nowhere to be found.

Eventually, the light got too dim, and I had to put the book away.  Angie smiled at me.  “Should I fix us some supper dad?”  I nodded, smiling.  “Sounds good sweetheart.  What are we having?”

She said “let’s try the potatoes and beans”.  The potatoes were the instant kind, that come in a pouch.   Anyway it sounded good, and I said so.  I said “that sounds good sweetie”.

While she prepared that, I looked out over the now calm lake and saw the sun waving its last good-bye for the night, near the tree tops of the abutment of shorelines opposite our campsite.  I slumped down, with my back to a large tree and marvelled at it.

“Sweetie, come here for a minute will you?” I said.

“What is it dad? Are you ok?”  (always the little mother, that one)

“I’m ok sweetheart.  Just come sit here and look at this”

She plunked down beside me and for a while, we just sat and watched.   Another loon called, over to the right of us, querying the coming night sky.

She smiled and rested her head against my shoulder.

————————-

That night, after eating and cleaning up and putting our stuff away, we headed to the tent.  It had gotten relatively cold, and I found myself shivering.  So I bundled up in my fleece jacket and many layers and clothing, and even left my shoes on before crawling into the sleeping bag.  Even at that, I found myself shivering at times.  It took a while to fall into slumber……

Only to awaken at 3:00 in the morning because of a couple of things.

For one, the dinner beans had worked their amazing and somewhat startling magic.

For another, I felt like I was going to die from back pain.

I tried to get up without disturbing her, but it was not to be.

After taking a flashlight and doing my business, I decided to stand for a while to see if the pain would go away.   It was persistent and excruciating.  There was no place to get comfortable, sitting or standing.  And there was no way I could lay back down.

I saw the look of sympathy on her face.   “We can’t do another night like this” she said.  “Do you want to go back, dad?”

I nodded painfully, still shivering.

“OK, then that’s what we’ll do.”

I knew it was disappointing for her – she had hoped to stay at least another night.  And, much as I love my little girl to death – this was one time I absolutely had to disappoint her.  I accepted it but didn’t like it, and didn’t see an alternative.  The pain was really that bad.  Hard even to put into words here – and I’m usually quite good at that.

Decision made, Angie at least wanted to see the sunrise.  So she took the canoe out into the lake and paddled away for a bit, until she could situate herself around the bend beyond the campsite, where she knew the sun would come up.  And she took the camera with her to capture some shots (including the one at the top of this blog).

After using the bulk of the morning having breakfast, and then packing up and putting the campsite back into the pristine shape that it was when we arrived (complete with the almost-forgotten hornet, who did a repeat command performance, once more taking over the wooden bench), we shoved off in our canoe, back to our point of origin.

Oddly, about seven hours after paddling and portaging back, we had another occasion similar to when we first set out.

“Do you see that point of land over there Dad?”

“Yup.  That’s where we turn left to paddle down the huge lake you showed me on the map, right?”   I figured we had at least another two hours of paddling left to go.  And of course once again my back was one big gigantic knot.   Back pain: the gift that keeps on kicking you in the teeth.

“No, that’s the take-off point.”

“What?”

“That’s where we’re landing, dad”

I didn’t believe her.  “You mean, that’s our final destination?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. MY. GOD.   REALLY?  THAT’S WHERE WE’RE GOING?”

She started giggling, and then laughing out loud.   “Yeah dad.  That’s it.”

“I thought we had a whole lake to go yet. ” I said.  “Oh man this is AWESOME.”

I didn’t think she’d ever stop laughing.   It was great.  Even now, writing this, it’s all coming back.  The utter utter joy.

We got around the point and suddenly there it was.  The beach.  It was so close to us.  I put on a burst of speed and tried to paddle like crazy.

But then we heard the motor of a boat coming in.  So we had to stop paddling long enough to get turned into the boat’s wake.  We were close, but it wouldn’t do to let the canoe tip over.  There was too much to lose.

After the waves died down, we once again turned back to paddle to shore, but then yet another boat came in.  And so we had to stop and turn into its wake too.

This went on a few times.  It kind of made sense really, because it was getting toward dusk, and probably most if not all of the boats were coming in to land.

We were so close.  And yet we kept getting interrupted.

Finally, we turned and put in a big burst of speed and paddled right up onto the beach.

We were back.

Civilization.

And there was a restaurant nearby, and showers.  But we were too sore and tired to bother trying to hunt through our belongs to get towels and soap out, so we walked into the restaurant as dirty and scrubby as could be.  And we sat down to the best meal of hamburger and fries ever.

And oh man – sitting there at twilight, utterly exhausted, and drinking bottled water and biting into hot food, we laughed ourselves silly.  We talked about so much of what we’d done.  Especially the part about the handy-wipes.

“I’m all done with my business.  Where are the handy-wipes?”
“Oh, about fifteen feet in the air.  How high can you jump?”

It was good to be back.

But, even with the pain, and the bugs, and the hours and hours and hours of paddling…..it was good to have gone, too.

Very good.

I surprised myself too, by talking about what I would do, and what I would take – the next time I go canoeing.

(Gotta do something about the back pain though.  I wonder how much Demerol  would do the trick?)

(This is a continuation of the story of our summer canoe trip.  If you missed the first one, go here)

As long as I could remember, I had a fear of bugs.   Not the kind of stand-on-the-chair-hold-your-skirts-and-scream-like-a-little-girl fear.  No, it was a dread that went bone-deep.   A loathing that made my mouth go dry.

It was a selective fear.   There was no perceived danger from a few flies buzzing around.   A wayward drunken moth, stumbling into my face, full of apology, a tipping of the hat and a “‘scuse me sir, lovely evening i’int?” served to merely annoy.

There was a hot summer twilight evening when my triumphant proud moment was abruptly truncated.  I was in the midst of revelling in the victory of a successful navigation to the end of a long street, all downhill – with no hands – on my ten-speed bike, when I became the beneficiary of yet another valuable life lesson: I rudely  learned the rule about keeping one’s damned mouth shut, especially when travelling at that rate of speed.   My innocently wide-open mouth became a convenient target for a depressed mosquito who, full of mourning for a life unfulfilled, ended it all by dive-bombing into my unsuspecting maw.   The resulting choking fit was a cause more for disgust than horror.

No, none of those incidents served as catalysts for my life-long fear.  Near as I can recall, it came about as the result of a time when, as a very young boy, I dreamt I was in my bed, and after pulling my blankets back to get out, I discovered an entire army of bugs at the foot of the bed.   Creeping, crawling, flying bugs too numerous to mention, all making a bee-line (no pun intended) for my unprotected legs.   I remember screaming, though I can’t be sure if that part was in my dream, or in real life.

Anyway, it made an impression.

(I try and include at least one picture in every blog.  Since the focus is so clearly something I loathe with a passion, I couldn’t very well post a picture of it, could I?  And oh dear Lord there are a lot of ugly pictures of bugs.  So instead I chose one guaranteed to soothe the psyche.  You’re welcome.)

One evening, during my married life, we decided to have a barbeque.  Only…..after our previous outdoor cookout, one of us (likely me) decided to leave the grate propped up against the wall.  One of us should have taken it in and cleaned it.  That was probably the intent.  The horror of what happened next likely chased out all memory of the exact sequence of events from that previous evening.   This befuddled detective can provide a probable narrative though:  the grate was too hot to bring in, so I left it standing against the outside wall, fully intending to bring it in anon.  Anon, however, had other ideas.  Anon was an innocent participant frankly, as he had no idea he was afflicted with ADD.   So, after leaving the grate to cool (among other things), anon – which is to say, me – found another shiny ball to occupy his attention.   And after the oohing and aahing was done, anon shuffled off to bed, leaving the now-cooling – and very yummy – grate out in the open for all of nature to observe with hungry joy.

And so we come back to that grody second evening (what?  It’s a word.  Google it if you don’t believe me).    The family was all hungry and ready to devour a rich serving of barbecued t-bone steak and potatoes.

Wife:  “um, where’s the grate?”

Me (after looking around):  “oh here it is.”

Wife: “well we can’t use it like that.  You’ll have to clean it.”

Me (full of innocence, and without benefit of ominous organ music):  “ok”

I remember it was dark outside at this point.  I know this because if it had been light out, I would have realized my impending error.  I would have avoided yet another indelible imprint of life-long revulsion on my tender psyche.   Perhaps the terrifying incident could have been avoided if we’d had a bare wooden floor in our living room.   But no.  We had a multi-coloured carpet – and all of the colours were dark.  I’m talking about black.  And dark brown.  And more black.

My daughter was in the living room with me, when I blithely brought the grate in.   As I started walking toward the sink with it, she said “Dad, what’s that?”

I looked down at the grate and noticed that it seemed to be shimmering.  I think my daughter might have screamed at that point.  Or maybe it was me, maybe.  I don’t know.

Anyway, what I thought was a living breathing grate was actually a trick of the eyes.   Probably my eyes were in denial as to what was truly going on.

Bugs.  It seemed like there were thousands of them.  Apparently, their grasp of the grate wasn’t all that strong.  So since their little fingers were unable to handle the motion of the swinging grate, they had to let go.  And so they did.   They dropped to the ground.  But not too far.  Certainly not far enough to warrant a quick death.  No, they weren’t even stunned.  As soon as they dropped, they all made a mad scramble for different parts of the room.  We could tell, because now the fucking carpet was shimmering.   We did a collective little dance of horror, as we tried in vain to stomp the little bastards to death.  But we couldn’t see them.  Remember the dark carpet?  It was the perfect camouflage.

Filthy filthy bugs.  My hated nemesis.  For the rest of the ruined night I was distracted.  Ever now and then I’d jump up from the chair and pounce on a part of the carpet.  Maybe there was a bug there to kill, or maybe there wasn’t.  I wasn’t taking any chances.

So, on the second day of our canoe trip (remember that?  That’s where I was going with all of this preamble), I saw a bug.  And I resented it.   I thought of all of the above, and of my life-long fear of them.   I was in the pup-tent, and it was in there with me.   I thought “this sucks.  This space belongs to me.”

And then I thought about it some more.   Bugs weren’t welcome in my home.  But this wasn’t my home.  This home belonged to the bugs.  In this place, I was the intruder, not it.   So I made my grudging peace with it.   As long as it did its thing and didn’t bother me too much I wouldn’t waste any energy trying to murder it.  I waggled my finger at it in warning.  It ignored me.

And so I quietly summed things up:  aching muscles, panic at not getting to a camping spot the night before, setting things up despite the pain, and now, now, NOW….bugs.   It was tempting to say “well it can’t get any worse” but I didn’t.   I’m not stupid.

I didn’t talk to my daughter about the bugs.   This was my angst to deal with.

We had some breakfast with our hosts, and joked with them, as they got themselves ready to canoe home.  They offered us some of their coffee, which we gratefully drank.   And they showed us a pretty cool device for purifying water.  It involved an infrared light, which lit up brightly and then dimmed once the water was done.    Angie and I looked at each, envying them.  Our method involved boiling water from the lake only.

They took off in both of their canoes, and then, all too soon it was our turn to pack everything up and find a new spot to camp.  We had no idea what would happen if the rangers came along and found us camping in a no-camping zone.   At the very least, we’d get a tongue-lashing.  Maybe even a frown or two.  So, it was time to go.

With groaning muscles, I did my level best to keep up with her, and after making multiple trips to the water to fill up a pan with which to smother any burning campfire embers, we piled our stuff into the canoe and pushed off.

Thankfully, it didn’t take us very long at all to find a decent site.  It was a thing of beauty.   There was a large fire pit, made entirely of raised stones.  And there was a cool hand-crafted wooden bench near it as well.

As we set up camp, and got the water boiling, we made a discovery.   That cool wooden bench was home to an alpha hornet. (Yet another bug)  It was just the one.  We suspected he had some family members, but maybe they were sleeping.  Or hung over.  Or maybe they were out visiting friends.  At any rate, we took note of the proprietary nature of his hovering.  He buzzed the bench from end to end, occasionally pausing to sit down and stare up at us. It was like he was making a statement.   Mostly:  ‘MINE MINE MINE MINE. YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT SITTING HERE?   WELL THINK AGAIN, SUNSHINE.”

Angie looked at him for a bit, lost in thought.   Then she got the bug repellent out and sprayed the entire bench.

Well.   It worked.   Sort of.   Except, now the alpha hornet was irritated.   He got frantic, as it was now impossible for him to land anywhere.  I swear I could hear him swearing.   “You sons of bitches!  You’re going to pay, m**therfu***ers!”

Being patient (and in my case, so very fearful) humans, we waited him out, by finding other things to do while he worked out his rage issues.  We briefly discussed the notion of taking off our shoes and taking out a contract on him.

“Dad, that might not work.  I think when they die they might give off a smell which causes the whole nest to come out”

My worst nightmare, come to life.  Revenge of the hornets.   Grown man and his daughter found dead from multiple hornet wounds in Algonquin Park. I calmly suggested we avoid that course of action.  “Hey sweetheart.  I think we can live in peace with him together.”

We looked at him, buzzing angrily around the bench.   “Ok” she said.

(This post is now officially too long.   Part 3 will peek its head around here shortly)

One Sunny Morning

Posted: September 11, 2011 in Life
Tags: , , , , ,

That fateful morning, I was grumbling, because I was late for work. My office was 50 km. (30 miles) away and I had to wait for the next city to city commuter bus.

Funny what you remember, isn’t it? The little things. The bus air conditioning was freezing, almost unbearable. I remember cursing inwardly, because I hadn’t thought it necessary to bring a jacket.

Seemed obviously warm out – the sun was shining in a clear blue sky. I remember trying to figure out what side of the bus I should sit on, to avoid the sunlight once the bus pulled out of the station.

There were maybe about 20 people on the large bus. One of the benefits of catching the late bus. It meant it wouldn’t be necessary to share a seat with anyone. A silver lining in every cloud.

A week before I had purchased a cool set of orange headphones, which served only one purpose: to play AM-FM radio stations. I put them on and dialled into a local rock station, and, ignoring my rapidly lowering core temperature, decided to try and sleep my way to work.

I think we had been on the highway for about ten minutes, when a loud voice interrupted my thoughts. Maybe I had been asleep. Can’t seem to remember. I didn’t catch what was being said, but I opened my eyes and noticed other people looking around and at each other. So I took off my headphones and sat up straighter.

It was the bus driver, and he was using the P.A. system to speak. “A plane has just crashed into the second World Trade Center in New York.”

“Oh’, I thought. “Wow. Must have been a hell of a pilot error. Wonder how many people were hurt. Seems like a tragedy.” Then I thought “but why is he talking about it? It’s just one plane. Probably a four seater Cessna. Why so dramatic?”

“This is the second plane to crash into the towers. I’m being told it’s a terrorist attack.”

I remember blinking in confusion, and then looking at others. It honestly seemed like a bad joke. Like he was playing with the P.A. system. It took a while for the surreal feeling to subside, and my logical mind to catch up. Still, I felt sure he had gotten it wrong.

So I slapped on my headphones and found the news station on the A.M. dial. That’s when it was confirmed, and more information was being broadcast.

I spoke up to the rest of the bus. “There are five terrorist planes in the air right now”.

One lady looked at me. “How do you know?”

“I’m listening to a news station.”

People started leaving their seats and gathering closer. I listened closely and, during the course of the trip heard many false reports. The bus driver made another announcement when a plane crashed into the Pentagon. I told the passengers about the final crash in Pennsylvania.

We still had no idea how bad the attack was, or the scope of it. I think we were all still shocked when we got off of the bus in Toronto.

I walked to work, expecting to have to wait outside the doors for about an hour, while the striking pickets let us through slowly. But when I got there, all of the pickets were down, and the labour dispute was forgotten, ignored.

There was no work that day. Employees all gathered around big TV sets in the foyer, rapt, waiting for more information.  We saw people jumping from the towers to escape the flames.   Many of us looked in horror, and many more of us cried.

In the days to follow, I stayed near news sources. I was in a bar one night when President Bush made one of his major speeches about the attacks. As God is my witness, I have never in my life felt so angry at what had been done to our American neighbours. I *wanted* those assholes who had done this dead. Needed them to die.

When Bush said the United States was going to take the fight to the terrorists, I applauded along with everyone else in the bar. Stupid, isn’t it? Bush and the Americans couldn’t hear us. Yet we felt compelled to applaud.

I remember thinking that for all of our cross-border disagreements over trade, and free movement across our borders and politics and what-have-you, all of any brotherly rivalry seemed to just fall. Immediately. As if we had never disagreed. You can argue with my brother all you like, and even call him an asshole. But if you bloody his nose, you’ll have to answer to me. That’s how it is with my own siblings, and it seemed that then, even as now, that’s how it is between Canada and the U.S.

Have to admit:  since moving in to the new place I find I’m falling more and more in heavy like with it.  Not yet willing to pilot the boat to the end of the Tunnel of “Love” just yet.  Give it time.

Oh there are a few little annoyances.  Like the fact that the laundry room has “hours of operation”.  In the Old Place, there was no time restriction.  In the New Place – well you have to check your watch, and schedule the time properly or you may not be able to grab your freshly dried tightey-whiteys at the end of the dryer cycle.  Which means any old early bird can get in there when it opens in the morning and abscond with them before you can rub the sleep out of your eyes.

Gauchie theft is a growing crime problem, you know.   There are just too many guys out there, in poverty, who’ve never had gauchies of their own.  They’ve looked at the Sears catalogue with longing for so many years, always turning to the men’s underwear section, dreaming of the day they can slip one of these bad boys onto their privates, and smile with contentment, knowing that their junk is finally contained.

But I digress.

Oh P.S.  I don’t use tightey-whiteys.  I’m strictly a boxers adherent.  The reason for the use of the other term:  artistic license.

Seems to me you can say almost anything, as long as you follow up with that all-encompassing justification.

“I think you and your family are descendants of feudal peasants who never washed, because it never occurred to them to do so.  They’ve passed their penchant for soap-avoidance onto their progeny so really it’s not your fault that you smell.  JUST KIDDING.  Artistic license.”

Maybe it wouldn’t work.  The only way to know for sure is to test it.  If you can say the above and then walk away afterward without having to wipe blood from your nose – YOU WIN.

Getting back on topic:  there is much to love about the New Place: I don’t just have air conditioning.  The place has “climate control” – which is about a ton better than air conditioning.  Air conditioning involves a machine that you have to spend hours trying to fit in an abnormal-sized window.  You have to measure it, grab some plywood or plexiglass, and then cut it so that it fits with the air conditioner.  Plus you have to find a way to anchor it in the window so that it doesn’t fall fifteen stories down right on top of that Nightmare Litigator who will sue your ass for everything you’ve got (providing that they live).

No, I have climate control, which means there is venting throughout the apartment.  We each have our own controls, too.  I have *never* enjoyed summer so much, ever.  With climate control, there is no worry about water leaking (in my last place, water leaked onto the floor when I wasn’t home, resulting in the tiles becoming engorged and lifting.  Had to get someone in to re-do the floors), and it pipes the air into all parts of the apartment.  So cool, in both senses of the word.

The water pressure is great too.   In the Old Place, that was a real issue, and was the cause of an unending barrage of swearing in the morning.  Not only did the water dribble out of the shower-head like an old man with a football-sized prostate, but the temperature fluctuated just a little bit too.  Back and forth, from frightened-testicles-hurry-up-and-scurry-back-up-into-your-body-cavity ice cold to immediately-peel-your-skin-off-down-to-the-bone red lava hot.  So a five-minute shower usually took about twenty minutes to a half hour.   I started out hating it, but ended up loathing it with a passion.

And washing dishes was a fall-on-your-face joke.   That tap too trickled like the cutest little babbling brook.   You could get suds only if, after letting the tap water fill the sink (generally about ten to fifteen minutes) and depositing about a half a cup of dish soap, you then swished it around violently with your hand.

Yes, it was definitely time for a change.   Now, I have to really watch how much dish soap I put in, because too much will cause a soap volcano in the sink.   And showers now take five minutes.  Awesome.

What really kind of made this place cool was something I hadn’t expected, in socially cold Toronto:  I have some pretty neat neighbours.

Most of them welcomed me when I moved in.  The general welcome was something like “good luck in your new place.”   I’ve never had that kind of greeting before.   Most of the residents in this building are Jewish, too.  Some are orthodox and many are not.   There’s are three elevators here, one of which is designated as the Sabbath elevator from Friday evening to Saturday evening.   For those who don’t know, the Sabbath elevator allows folk to ride without having to push any buttons.  It stops automatically at every floor.

This morning when I went down to do my laundry, a couple of older women – both Jewish – introduced themselves to me.  We got talking pleasantly about the building, and about life in general.  It was pretty cool, especially since this never happened at my other building.

“So did you just move in?”

“Yes, I did.  In the middle of June.”

“What apartment are you in?”

(I wondered at that question.  But I told her)

“Oh, it’s one of the one-bedrooms then.”

(Evidently they knew the building floor plans.  Interesting.)

“And so are you by yourself then?”

To be honest, I get the feeling the older women here are trying to size me up – since I seem to be getting the same questions.  Maybe I’m a possible candidate as a mate for their daughters.  I can imagine the conversation.

“He’s probably making good money, since he can afford to live here by himself.”

“So pleasant too.  And good-looking.  He might be a professional man.”

“You think so?   Maybe my Marly will catch his eye.”

“Oh you know – Marly catches everyone’s eye.”

“What are you saying?  Are you saying Marly gets around?”

“No, no dear.   I’m just saying she’s good-looking too.”

“Oh.  I’m sorry.  Didn’t mean to get all meshugah on you dear.”

“Ah!  Think nothing of it.   You know, she’s probably too good for him anyway.”

“You think so?”

“I do.  And besides, he’s probably Goy anyway.”

“That’s true.  I didn’t see a yarmulke.  Oy, I’m going to plotz before I find an eligible man for my Marly.”

I love this place.

Rocky Romances

Posted: August 19, 2011 in dating, humor, Life
Tags: , , , , , ,

Look, Monday.  You can’t keep showing up on my doorstep.  Every time you do, you say the same thing.

“We can make it work.” And, “I promise you, this time I won’t mess you up.  I’ll set the alarm this time.  Make you some coffee.”

Every time, I let you in, and every time – every SINGLE time – I end up regretting it.  The alarm doesn’t go off.  Coffee isn’t there, I’m late for work and I end up in a bad mood.   When you’re around, things always seem to go wrong.  My boss decides he wants that three-day job done right now.  Then he only gives me four hours to do it.  And then, what’s worse is – he looks at you.  And then he smiles.   The bastard.   You’ve been seeing him behind my back, haven’t you?  Come on.  I even saw you holding hands with him.

No more.  Monday I don’t want you around here.  Don’t call, don’t show up, don’t send emails to me.  Nothing.  I don’t want your promises.  They mean nothing.   In fact, I’m going to put a restraining order on you.  Do you hear me?

Are you even listening?

Dear Tuesday,

Honey I’m glad you came into my life.  But I have something to tell you, as gently as I can.  You’re not for me.  No, no, there’s nothing wrong with you.  You’re great, really.  And no, you’re nothing like Monday.   You’re far more gentle.  Far more forgiving.  You’re good-natured.  It kills me to have to break up with you, but really, it’s not fair to you that we keep seeing each other.

No, I’m not seeing anyone else right now.  It’s just that….well….you caught my eye on the rebound, after the horror of being with Monday.   Sometimes that happens.

I know.  It’s shitty, and I’m sorry.  I have to go on though.   So should you.  Find someone more worthy of you than me.   Can we be friends?

Hi Wednesday.

You know, I don’t know what we saw in each other.  Do you?  No, I didn’t think so.  I guess I should have known it wouldn’t work when I first heard the ringer on your Blackberry.   I thought you knew that I hate Nickleback.   But isn’t it great we can end this now, mutually, without either of us feeling messed up?   Oh, you’ve gotta go?  Sure, sure.  I understand.  That Blackberry isn’t going to answer itself, is it?  See you around.

Well well well.  Thursday, you sure do have beautiful legs, don’t you?   Man, you put me in a good mood.  How about we take a little drive?  Go somewhere?  In fact I…

*gulp*  Oh.  My. God.   And what’s your name, gorgeous?   Friday?

(Uh, Thursday?  Listen, I’ll give you a call sometime OK?  Gotta go.  Something just came up)

Sorry Friday.  What was that?  You want to go bungee jumping?  Well I’ve never tried it, but..OK!  Let’s do it.   Man, you’re wild.  What’s that?  You want to get a tattoo?   I don’t believe in…I mean, sure.  Let’s go get one.   What’s mine say?   It’s Japanese for “Monday’s a bitch”.   Who’s Monday?  That’s a long story.

So, what did you get for a tattoo?  Oh it’s your new name?   When did you decide that?  Just now?  Wow.  You’re a little unbelievable.  Can’t believe anyone moves as fast as you. So anyway,  what’s your new name?  Saturday?  Cool!  That’s great!  It kind of fits you, you know?  I look at you with your long brown hair, and your mischievous eyes and…there’s no better name for you than Saturday.

Ok how many drinks have we had so far?  You lost count too?   Hahahaha.  No, I don’t care.   We can still dance.   Wow you feel so good in my arms. Man, I like you.  In fact…I probably shouldn’t say this so soon but…what the heck?  We can blame it on the fact that I’m drunk, so I’ll just say it.  I think I’m falling in love with you.

Hang on.  I’d better sit down for a minute.  My head’s spinning….

What?  You what?  I can’t hear you over the music.   Why don’t we go outside for some fresh air?  *coughs*  Wow, that’s some strong-smelling weed.  No, but thanks – I’ll pass.  I’ve had too much to drink, and that stuff will just mess me up.

*blinks*

You want to what?   I thought we had a good thing going.   Don’t give me the “it’s not you, it’s me” thing.  What’s going on?   We’ve only been together for 40 hours, non-stop, and you’re already seeing someone?   Shit.  I can’t believe it.  I mean i knew you were wild but…….

Fine.  I’ll see you later.   No, we can’t be friends.  I don’t want to be “just friends”.  Not with you.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me.   Never mind.  I’ll get over you.  Somehow.  Not sure how.    Hey, can you give me back my jacket?   I know you’re cold.  Maybe your new boyfriend can give you his.  He’s not here?  Well give him a call.  Oh all right.   I’ll give you a ride home.  But that’s it.  No more favours.

We’re here.  Can you manage?   Holy mother of God.  How much did you drink?  Yeah sure.  I’ll help you up to your door.  What’s that?  You have to puke?  All right.  I’ll hold your hair back.  There.  Feel better?

Ok we’re at the door.  Where’s your key?  Never mind.  You’re too drunk.  I’ll just ring the bell.  Maybe your roommate can let you in. Take you the rest of the way.

Oh hi there.  Sorry to wake you up.   Frida- I mean Saturday here had a little too much to drink tonight.  You’ll take her?  That’s great.   No, no problem.  Happy to help.  By the way – what’s your name?

Well hi Sunday.  Pleased to meet you.

 

Everywhere you go, you hear complaints about the heat this summer.  You understand.  You’ve walked out into the oven blast usually experienced by workers at pizza shops.   Your shirt soaked with sweat  testifies to the minimal movement required to raise your temperature.  But when the night comes and the summer breeze washes your face….. well isn’t that just something?

You find yourself walking down the street with your headphones jacked to the strains of “Sorrow” by David Bowie –  a dichotomy of lyrical lament set to joyful noise.  While the girls flirt with their long legs,  summer dresses and flip-flops, you breathe deeply and feel the residual stress of the thump thump thump of office deadlines fading into the evening’s cacophony of splattered rays of light.

The mischievous hide-and-seek street lamps peek through tree leaves, highlighting the lush greenery that frames the little shops and cafés.   And you’re lost.  Completely lost in the invitation of it all.

You pass the little jazz club with its wide open doors and flickering candlelight.  If you were dressed in something a little more snooty than cargo shorts and a T you’d know your feet would turn into the place before your brain had anything to say about it.   Inside, you see couples – some deep in conversation, others smiling, their hands flitting back and forth on the table, occasionally touching.  Their eyes betray their hopes.   “Will she let me kiss her? ”   In the far corner, far from the flickering candles, one couple has completed their dance and are now obsessed with discovering the depths of each others’ mouths.

You’re amazed that you caught all of that in the two seconds it took to go past the place.

As you continue down the street, a perfumed note tickles your noise, catapulting you back to an earlier summer, when you flirted with the actress at the party.   You smile as you remember her caress and the way her eyes flashed when you both snuck out and spent the entire night roaming the city streets.  Talking, holding hands, occasionally stopping to kiss.

She’s long gone now, and you’ve heard that she got married, out there far in the west of Canada.   The memory, and the perfume that provoked it, remain.

You can’t help noticing the pace of the summer night.  No one seems to be in any particular hurry.  Not even the lady selling roses.  Or the fortune-teller relaxed by the side of the street, waiting for giggling girls to stop by and pay their money, just to find out about their chances for romance.  Your hunger to capture it all leads you to take dozens of pictures with your point and shoot camera.  It doesn’t matter that only a small few turned out.  The walk itself was the joy.  Some things can only be appreciated in the moment.  And perhaps later on, in a blog.

You wander on, drinking in the night.   And briefly your mind wanders back to the middle of January.

No one sauntered anywhere, then.   They scurried, shivering, from their door to the car, and from the car to the store.   Quickly.  There were no smiles. There were no conversations or necking couples or invitations from the wide open doors of clubs.   The lights on the tiny streets illuminated nothing except the dirty snow, and the wisps of car exhaust.  Anyone unfortunate to walk was so bundled in layers it was almost impossible to determine anyone’s sex.  Fortunately some of them wore pink.  So there was that, you supposed.

Flirting was for fools, the provenance of the desperate and foolish.   Conversations were quick and to the point.

“How are you?”

“Fine.  See you later.”

“Later.”

Everyone got it.    Even the bums looking for spare change got it.   You remember walking past a few of them, as they sat shivering on the corner.   You were aware of the scam, and knew that they made their biggest hauls during the coldest and wettest times of the year.

“Spareanychangemister?  No?  ThankyouandGodbless”   They flung their words at you, hoping that they’d snag at your scarf and reel you in by your guilt.

You shiver suddenly, and just like that your mind returns to the present.  There, in the middle of the sidewalk, on the breezy and cozy and perfumed summer night, you remember how much you truly hate winter.   You vow never to curse the heat.

Your appreciation of summer, and of this night becomes overwhelming.  You kind of wish it would never end.

People here are fascinating.  And not in a “gee, what wonderfully intellectual stimulation” sense.   I mean behaviours are just so far outside of what I consider “the norm” that time chases its own tail trying to keep up.

Toronto is defined from the mix of its people who make their way here from all parts of the world.  Hindus, Moslems and Jews from various continents, Chinese, Japanese, Malaysian, lots of Filipinos, Ukrainians, Russians and Italians all set up little communities here.  So when unusual behaviour is observed, there’s a strong possibility it can be attributed to the norms of another country.  Maybe.

Back in the small town in which I was raised, when people waited for buses, we were always careful to line up – just like they do at elementary school.  That behaviour was bred into us, and by God anyone who misbehaved received the harshest Canadian punishment possible.  They got the glare of their life.

Here in Toronto,  some of us line up at the bus stops.  And usually people – anxious to follow the crowd – will continue to line up, right up until the bus arrives.  But as soon as the bus doors open, the line breaks out into a mass of chaotic elbows and feet, all desperately dancing around each other in pursuit of a spot on the bus where they can sit down.  Some of the shorter people will barge right in front of you, with your two arms of groceries, and pretend not to see you.  Canadian glares are useless.  Their shortness is the Canadian kryptonite.

Lots of people in Toronto hold conversations with themselves.  Out loud.  I saw one large woman yelling at herself.  It was at a bus stop, late at night.

“Get over here!”

“No you get over here!”

I looked around to see who she was talking to, but there was no one there.  No one I could see anyway.

This wasn’t a cogent argument about politics.  It was one of those types of arguments that we all enjoy, I’m sure.  She was nitpicking.  At herself.

The other day I sat in a richly dark Starbucks, held in place by the arms of a big leather chair.  Total bliss.  I had my iPad and my large bottle of water, and the music was just right.

And then he came in.  He was tall, thin and had blond hair.  The guy was in his late 20’s I think.

Anyway, he plunked himself in the seat next to me, right next to the beautiful young blond girl, who was also reading.  He sat and stared at her.  Her back got rigid and it became apparent that she was re-reading the same passage over and over.   I started watching him, over the top of my iPad.

Five minutes passed.  He stared.  She didn’t turn the next page.   Then I heard him talking, a sing-song string of syllables.  They made no sense.  She didn’t look at him.  He continued talking for a while, conversationally.    The minutes passed, slowly.

Finally he got up and moved past me to get to the door.  The stench hit me, and I felt my eyes starting to water.

The girl looked over at me and smiled, shaking her head.  I nodded and turned back to my iPad.

Sort of.  I could still hear him talking, as he paced back and forth outside the café door.

Dear old dad wouldn’t have known what to make of all this.  He probably would have called the guy’s sexuality into question.

The love of money wasn’t the root of all evil, as far as he was concerned.  It was homosexuality.  And he was there to set everyone straight on that.

So to speak.

Life in Toronto is often like this.  Different scenes, different odd behaviours, every day.

Kind of like an old commercial for “Bits and Bites”:  a different handful in every bite.

Release

Posted: June 24, 2011 in humor, Life, living, writing
Tags: , , , ,

The capricious breeze sauntered carelessly through his stubborn hair, pushing this way and that until the dogged gel that was holding everything together finally sighed, shrugged its shoulders and gave up.  Whereupon, the follicle company, mimicking the primordial warrior dance of the galaxies, began its mad performance.

The hair’s owner, oblivious to the upper level drama, scanned the street carefully, as he watched for a car with a lighted roof extension;  a kind of hands up “here I am!” indicator of a vehicle that would serve to transport anyone almost anywhere, for the right price.

Eventually, a taxi appeared and the tight-lipped guy with the day-old facial stubble raised his hand urgently, eyes flashing a message to stop; and so, duly warned, stop it did.

“Take me to 25 Blaker Drive please”.

The driver, who was sporting a ridiculous porno moustache nodded, as he reached forward and started the meter.

The moustache twitched a little bit; a hairy snake trying to rouse from slumber.   “So.  All done for the day?”

The passenger looked down at his black leather knapsack.  This was no ordinary taxi passenger.  This was a man who deduced things, and did so quickly.  He realized that the cabbie had leapt to a quick conclusion.  There was the knapsack.  Ergo, his passenger was coming home.  It was a little presumptuous, he thought.  He could have easily been wrong.   Maybe he was heading out somewhere.  Maybe he was on his way to a coffee shop, there to write the greatest Canadian novel ever.

But wait.  No, this cabbie obviously was aware of the city.  He knew 25 Blaker Drive was nowhere near a coffee shop.  Further, he likely realized it was an apartment building.  Apartments generally serve the purpose of providing homes for people.  Except for those who use them to grow drugs.  Maybe the knapsack was used to transport drugs, he thought to himself.   But no, the cabbie had likely seen many drugstore afficionados in his day, and so he knew his passenger looked nothing like any of them.

Ergo, the cabbie had guessed correctly and knew his passenger was heading home.

All of this passed through the passenger’s mind in less than 2/10 of a second.  Finally, in grudging acknowledgement of the cabbie’s deductive reasoning, he rewarded him.

He sighed, looked out the window and mumbled “yup”.

Below the hairy snake there suddenly appeared a satisfied smile.  “Well now you have the weekend at least.  Got some big plans for the next few days?”

The passenger shrugged.  “It’s kind of a long weekend for me.  A ten-day weekend actually.”

The moustache twitched, and the yawning maw beneath it opened long enough to suck in a breath before expelling its next particle of thought.   But the passenger preempted it with “and no, I have no real plans.”

With the that, the maw snapped shut.   Other forces were now at work, diligently determining yet another course of discourse.   Wheels within wheels turned and jerked, mixing just the right combination of reasoning and query.

Small talk was no easy endeavour.

Eventually, the only thing it could arrive at came forward.   “Really?  No plans?”   It was a pathetic attempt.  The cabbie, along with his moustache and maw knew this.  All three of them shivered in unified embarrassment, while waiting patiently for the contemptuous reply.

The reply came, but left contempt at the curb.  Contempt would have to find another cab to sit in.  This one was going to have two riders, and no baggage.

“Well I’m glad you asked, actually.”

The moustache began to move upward, just a bit, while the maw clamped down fiercely, determined not to display its sudden joy.

The passenger continued.  “I’m just really happy we’re going to have warm weather, because I want to walk as much as possible.  I’ll play each day by ear, and see what happens.  I might go away, but right now I’m not going to plan for anything in particular.”

The maw opened, which surprised the moustache and the cabbie both, who were not expecting it.  “So is this your only holiday for the year?”

The passenger shook his head.  “No, I have a few more weeks coming to me.  Not sure when I’m going to use them.”

The maw opened again.  It was obviously on a roll.  The moustache and cabbie both decided to sit back and just watch.  “Maybe you’ll use them at the end of the year.  Maybe at Christmas”.  This wasn’t a question, so much as a statement of fact.   One that was rewarded with a nod.

“Yes, I think I want to head out west during the winter.”

The maw was silent, so the moustache churned and rolled over, thinking.  The cabbie cleared his throat, the maw took notice and the moustache went along for the ride.

“Out west?  Oh that’s good.  How far out west?”

“Vancouver Island.  I have some family out there.”

The maw had gotten its second wind.  Before the moustache knew what was happening, it creaked open yet again.  “Are you married?”

The passenger looked at his watch, and then glanced out the window.  They were still a long way from his apartment.  There was time.

“No, divorced.”

The maw barged forward, determined to see this thing to its end.  “I hear you my friend.  I’m still married, but things are not going well.  I’m hoping we’ll end it soon.”   The moustache had no idea whether this was a good thing to admit or not.  The cabbie was sure it wasn’t.

The passenger, oblivious to the conflicted emotions of the cabbie, found himself in ignorant agreement with the moustache.  He felt his face starting to glow.  “Yeah, well.  I wish you good luck with that.”

The maw knew no embarrassment or sense of appropriateness. Moustache and cabbie both were horrified and helpless before the wave of thought.   “Well, for the past seven years I’ve wanted out.  They say seven is the number for release.’

“Um”  said the passenger.

“Oh yes.  I’m really hopeful that we will have The Talk soon.  I’ve had quite enough.  We both have, actually.  Every time either of us opens our mouths, the other rolls their eyes, and I say to myself ‘here we go’.   Was it like that for you, before the end?”

The passenger’s eyes looked up and to the right, pulling down some dusty irritated memories.  Memories who just wanted to be left alone.

“Yes, it was.  I ended up working later than I had to….”

The maw jumped open quickly.  “Yes, yes!  I know exactly what you mean.  So that you don’t have to face another argument when going home.  So you put off the conflict as long as you can.”

The passenger sighed.   “Yes, that’s it exactly.”

“Oh, I hear you my friend.”

The cab turned into the driveway, having arrived at last.

The passenger opened his wallet and took out a twenty, deciding then and there to overtip the cabbie.   Perhaps it was because of an unconscious sympathy.  Or maybe it was because he had enjoyed the scintillating conversation.  Quite possibly it was because he recognized a kindred spirit; he saw himself in the cabbie, only a few years earlier, while still in a tremendous state of despair.

The passenger twisted his mental arm behind his back and finally gave up the truth to himself:  he just wanted to get out of the cab as quickly as possible.

As he stepped out of the door, the moustache turned itself up in a grin, dragging the maw with it.   “Remember:   seven is the number of release!”

The passenger was certain that today, the number was twenty.

The average looking girl, with her dirty blond hair in ponytail and harried face slips into the subway car and into her seat without anyone giving her notice.  She’s not participating in the collective consciousness of the riders.  She may as well not even be there.

At the next stop, a guy walks in, clad in jeans and ripped t-shirt.  The terrestrial horror of his multitude of pimples war with the rings in his nose and upper lip in their dance of pain, and it’s all the passengers can do not to stare.  His belligerent look causes them to look away, as his questing gaze scans the car.

His swiveled gaze stops once he sees the girl.

“Becky”

The girl looks up, her frown disappearing.   A shine glows in her eyes, as she erupts into a wide open smile and hops off her seat, to grab him in a hug.  For his part, the belligerence is gone and he grins down at her.

For a brief moment, the busy riders forget about their pressing appointments, their bills, the stressful presentations they have to give, and what they’re going to tell their wives about why they couldn’t go on holidays this year.  Instead, they see a couple living in a moment, unaware of the past or future, or troubles.   The display admonishes them about misplaced priorities. 

It is to be expected that, not long after the couple leave the car, those priorities and issues will come crashing back.  Some will pop anti-stress pills, otherwise will drown themselves in coffee, and still others will eat more fat-enhancing food, all in an effort to avoid feeling bad. 

The observant soul will notice that this scenario happens more often than not.  It is only evident to those who are aware and watchful.

One artist saw an abandoned house down in New Orleans and decided to experiment.  She took a piece of chalk and in bold letters wrote “BEFORE I DIE”.   And then she scratched out a whole wall of empty lines with the words “Before I die, I want to……..”.   Then she sat back and waited to see what people would do.

The artist’s instinct was dead-on.  Give people an open and unjudging chance to talk about themselves, and they’ll gladly oblige.  Some, even joyfully.

Many wrote jokes.  Most took the exercise seriously though.

Frankly, I was a little surprised to see one particular wish stated over and over.

“Before I die, I want to live”.

That wish makes me almost speechless.  An explosion of thoughts careen around, begging for release.

Why would they say that?  What’s stopping them?  Do they feel they’re not living now?  If so, why is that?

The persistent grinding poverty of desire and passion seems overwhelming.  People (including this writer) talk about The Machine as if it’s a sentient, purposeful, sadistic thing.  The Machine swallows dreamers whole, and spits out robotic uninterested (and therefore uninteresting) sheep who do their Master’s bidding.   The question comes up:  is it possible to dream and still be part of the system?

There aren’t any perfect answers to that one.  The dream is not the achievement is it?   Dreamers are often considered whiners, not content to appreciate what they have.  To a certain degree, that’s true of many of us.   Yet, those who dream often provoke change.  

You have to consider: maybe advancement isn’t possible without dreamers who consider what yet isn’t, and should be.

I dreamt of changes.  After years of playing the living martyr, content to put up with angst and depression until I died, confident that the hereafter would be my reward, I elected, finally, to escape the grind.   There was a severe financial and living conditions price to pay, which I thought about carefully before making my choice.   You know – the notion that I had a choice at all was pretty compelling.   After closing my eyes and pinching my nose shut, I jumped.

It was very hard, at first.   After a few years of plodding with mud-covered boots through a miasma of difficulties and obstacles, the dream stayed in front, smiling and encouraging.  Eventually, there was a point where the mud sloughed away, and the difficulties stayed behind.

Without The Dream, none of that would have happened.

Then I read a book.  And after reading it, another dream took shape.

This new dream  provoked even more change.   Travelling and sky-diving and acting the fool on a stage in a theatre and in a few bars happened.   Years of stress, and of biting my tongue, went away.  In their place came the smiles of youth.   My God this was good.

“Before I die, I want to live”

Amazing.   It’s personally frustrating to know that so many don’t feel they have options and choices, and that they must put up with *this* before they die.   The question for those who say they want to live is this:   “how long do you plan to wait before making that happen?”

Someone else wrote “Before I die, I want to be published”

Yeah, that’s my current dream.

But the dream that intrigues me most, the one that was written on the wall, without explanation, was this one:

“Before I die, I want to evaporate into the light.”

There’s a certain senseless joy that comes unexpectedly sometimes.  A sense that everything is ridiculously OK.  Better than OK.  Good.

Better than good – but precise words escape you.

Recently, this happened during what would have been an otherwise stressful time.

Mind you, part of the catalyst for this was planned.

Years ago, when I first moved from my parents place to an apartment for my bride and I, we didn’t deviate from the norm for youngsters who think they’re striking out on their own.  We called our friends, and someone had a truck, and between the lot of us, we moved our junk into the new place.

At that time, we didn’t have much, so it was pretty easy to do.  I remember the cardboard side table.  We didn’t have a coffee table – just this stupid wobbly table that had cardboard tabs that you stuck together.

I remember going down to Bell Canada to get a phone.  We opted for the most ostentatious piece of pretentious telephones in existence.  It was an enclosed within a wooden case.  And we so we brought it home and stuck it on the cardboard side table.  The ridiculous poor man’s placeholder.  A diamond carefully place on a platform of smelly dung.

Fortunately, the irony wasn’t lost on us, and we looked at it, sitting there in all its Miss Piggy glamour, and we laughed.

Years went by and we moved at least two more times.  Each time we prevailed on our friends, and each time they accommodated us, though with less and less fervour.  The last time was a nightmare, as a few who had promised to show up, didn’t.  Maybe the reward wasn’t all that great.  Being ultra-religious, we did not believe in The Drink.  Alcohol was Satan’s elixir, and so we eschewed it, as all Good Christians should.

Too bad.  Some of that elixir might have twisted our friends’ alcoholic arms.

When it came time to divorce, I was a pauper.  Even Gandhi would have shaken his head in horrified sympathy.  Yet, I had learned from history.  So, after weighing the options, between eating a good meal and moving, I chose to leave the steak uneaten.  Instead, the money was spent on movers.

In the midst of that agonizing time, the beauty of having someone paid to haul the junk was a pleasure that was too immoral to miss.  I watched them haul that crap up a long flight of stairs (being poor again meant that there was no elevator in my little apartment above the storefront).   I paid them gladly, and dreamt of peanut butter sandwiches.

A few years later, circumstances changed in my favour, and it came time to move to a proper apartment.  There was no question of calling on friends. I scouted around at a few grocery stores and accumulated a collection of empty boxes.  After filling them, I once again employed some movers to cart it 30 miles to my new place.

It was a wonderfully large, bright airy place.   I paid them gladly.  With thankfulness.

Sadly, the building management elected to relax some rules, and slowly some of the tenants to choose to tax the plumbing system beyond its designed capacity.  They brought in dishwashers and washing machines.  This served to suck the hot water away from my morning shower.  And then shoot it back again.  The evidence was a daily ritual of torture, where a five-minute shower turned into a 20 minute ordeal, with variations of extremely cold water trading places with scalding hot, all within 30 seconds, back and forth.  Entirely unpredictable.  Add to that the variance of the water pressure, from normal to elderly incontinent flows, and you have the seeds of madness.

Every single morning, I tried out new swear words.

Every single morning.

So, despite the beauty and spaciousness of the place (along with several impotent complaints to the uncaring superintendent), I realized it was time once again to move.

Past experience once again provoked some thought.  This time, it seemed a good idea to shoot for the least stress possible.

What would it take?

How about this?  How about – instead of trolling around town for cardboard storage boxes…..someone else was employed to do it?  And instead of just getting boxes, why not get them to also pack it all?  And hey – why not get them to move it all afterward AND unpack it?  How cool would that be?

Several months later, I can tell you, it’s *very* cool.  It fucking rocks, to be frank.

They came, they packed, they moved, they unpacked.

My stress involved watching them do it, and resisting the urge to lift a finger.

They were great.  I tipped them accordingly.

“So” you’re thinking ” this is why you’re joyful?”

That’s part of the picture, for sure.  Not all of it though.

As I was moving in, an elderly lady showed up at my open door, and timidly knocked.

“Hi – hope you don’t mind my being a nosy neighbour, but I thought i’d drop by and introduce myself.  My name is Pearl.”

Pearl.

Oh man.  How awesome is that?

I smiled and quickly crossed the living room.

“Pearl, I’m so glad you dropped by.  So good to meet you.”  And I shook her hand.

After a few pleasantries, the white-haired woman with the stooped shoulders shuffled slowly away.

I looked out the floor to ceiling living room windows at the trees outside, and basked in the climate controlled flow of air, and took a deep breath.

And realized that this – this was good.